The loss of some friendships hits at a visceral level.

On the other hand some friendships just kind of drift away from lack of contact or interest(s.) When growing up, I had serial best friends. There didn’t seem to be any reason why one friendship segued into another. It just happened. Some friendships just naturally seem to grow apart. There wasn’t any blow up.

A friend and I were talking yesterday about someone she’d lost contact with. It’s a puzzle. And it worries on some level to lose track of someone. We agreed that even as good friends as we are, we do not know how to contact each other’s grown children. She said to me that some losses are greater than others.

The loss of this friend would not mean the same as the loss of another (and she named another friend.)

This same friend found out the hard way that a woman she considered a friend was anything but. In retrospect, she said they never talked about anything of significance. And some of what this woman confided in her might have been colored by the woman herself, so when push came to shove, she was not as she had portrayed herself or the situations to be. How much of what she’d said over years was even true, or only true from her standpoint. That was a tough loss.

Another friend went to check on a friend only to find out the friend had moved with no contact information. It worries my friend because the person who moved was going through some hard times. It’s just very strange. My friend said the lesson was to learn how badly that hurt someone and not to ever do it.

Continuing the story of my hair stylist:

A friend should be non-judgmental. At one point I was having trouble with my son, and the woman I considered a friend was very judgmental. I said to her, I have to end this conversation right now, and I hung up. That was really the end of the friendship for me. [It would be for me too.] She called me back yelling at me. Later I sent her a note and told her exactly how I felt. Ordinarily I would never have said anything to hurt her. I’d have kept quiet — and I had kept quiet about a number of things that had bothered me over time. But not this time. When she had problems, I was always there for her, but when I was desperate, she hit at a low level. My hair stylist, with permission

I thought it was good that she knew when to get out of the conversation. And I think anybody who yelled at me would be long-gone. They wouldn’t be a friend. (I try not to give a reason to be yelled at, that’s for sure!) I might be friendly with them, but I would limit contact, if at all possible, and I wouldn’t be friends on the same level, even if outwardly I was friendly. There would be loss of a point of trust, and things would never be quite the same.

I don’t like confrontation. But I don’t run from one either, once I give it some thought. Occasionally, very occasionally, I have popped off in the moment, which happened to be a good thing. But usually I consider carefully, before I let anything fly.

When have you lost a friend…and when did you know the friendship was over?

Karin

Originally posted 2007-02-20 12:39:24.

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Friendship, Just thinking, Relationships