Ann Landers, or was it Dear Abby, had a column a number of years ago about parents who wished they’d never had children. The percentage was astonishingly high, I thought, and so did she. Mostly it had to do with being disappointed in some way.

The only thing I have mostly ever wished was that I had more help — a good maid, for example, would go a long ways toward making my life easier. Or having grandparents with whom I could leave my children.

If you are thinking of adopting, give some real thought to how much help you have. Think about possible difficulties. Think out from your child’s eyes. Hope for the best. But prepare for anything.

One thing to consider very carefully if you live in America is the extent of your health insurance. Unless you adopt from foster care and have it written in your adoption package, you do not have sufficient coverage for many issues such as residential care or mental health needs, which likely have a cap. Other countries are far better at providing this kind of service. Even if you have it written in your plan, you might not find coverage either because of non-availability, too many seeking services from too few providers, or the person you seek to see will not accept your coverage.

Even if you prepare, there is no way you can actually understand the real cost of living it until you are in it. Nor can you understand the extent of your love.

Karin

I’m having a difficult birthday year this year myself, as is [ ] by the sounds of it. There’s a lot of questioning going on. A lot of soul searching. Mostly, the adoptions- did we do the right thing? Should we have maybe not done them?

Here is what I am thinking- I am not counting E in this thought process, because she’s too young yet.

We started out a dozen years ago, we four [women] plus a couple of others. There were other people who came and went, but I think of us as the “core”. Out of our core group of 7, there were 15 adopted children. Only two- ONLY TWO- have developed anywhere near normally, that would be J and C. More than 85% of our children have lifelong issues that have compromised their health, their development, and their sanity; even K, who might appear to be perfectly healthy, but whose decisions throughout her life will be affected by that conflict she faced at such an early age. Children from three different countries, who arrived at many different stages of their growth. Children who were handed to us as newborns from the hospital. Children who knew their birth families, children who did not. Children with memories of another life, and children with the complete confidence of having known no other life. It doesn’t matter. Out of 15 original kids, 13 of them have issues.

Would I do it again? I don’t think so. My God- I wouldn’t have B, the biggest blessing of my life, if not for M and C, and I do so very much love both M and C. But would I do it again, not knowing B, not knowing what he could bring to my life? No, I don’t think so.

-c

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Adoption, Just thinking, Parenting