Hard truths of adoption, told softly

There are many hard truths of adoption, all of which our children own. After all, it is their story. And age appropriately we share with them so they have the knowledge they need to take into the world with them.

And some things may turn out to be unexpectedly difficult or hard for our children that we need to learn to wrap our heads around in order to walk the path with them.

Tonight, on the way to dinner, out of the blue, our 11 yo asked if we knew any information about where she was found. We have talked about this before, but tonight she was ready to listen at another level. I don't know what sparked the question. She had spent time with a friend today, but she did not say they talked about anything. Perhaps it was just seeing someone in their birth family.

I remember the first time I used the word 'abandon' or 'abandonment' with my children. It was a hard word to get out of my mouth, but after a while, it becomes easier, just as it was easy to think in my thoughts.

I can't count the number of times people have said to me things like: they don't like girls in China -- they abandon or kill their girls in China.

And I have asked them if they have ever been in China. (No.) The truth is something far different.

My girls have also had it said to them in school.

What good would it do them not to know the real facts or for me to gloss over them? They will grow up, and then they will know that I was not trustworthy.

The word appears on their paperwork.

We don't know who did what, when or why. I believe God was there over all, leading us to each other. I do not believe God caused it. There are some things in life that are not easy to understand or may never be understood here. But we process it as best we can, looking through a glass darkly. Life is complicated and complex, not simplistic.

I have heard adult adoptees counsel not to say an adoption plan was made. After all, it wasn't, not in the sense we use the phrase in the West. How can one equate abandonment with an adoption plan? (In some countries you do know the birth parents' names, that is different.) I don't even think the concept exists in China. It has only been recently than any kind of supposed push toward domestic adoption is taking place. And, so far as I know, these are not known to the person adoptions.

I have always told my girls the truth as we know it. I want them to come to me, knowing I will always tell them the truth vs. needing to ask someone else. (This goes for other things too like facts of life.)

And even though we talk about these truths often, there are moments when it is more meaningful to them, as far as their level of understanding.

So tonight we talked (again) about some of the known facts of Chinese adoption, as well as the gray areas where we do not have information, and we talked of the difference in culture.

One child has no information re place of abandonment. It was not required by our government at that time. The other does. But in our small group of adoptive families that went to the SWI that we adopted from, four families (two each) had identical finding information, which seems unlikely. The truth is not forthcoming.

What I considered cultural (a grandmother taking a child and forcing abandonment on the mother and/or father) is clearly kidnapping in our culture. (Yes! she said.) (And she said she could never do that. She'd feel too badly to cause so much hurt.) (And I said something like but remember we are raised to think differently.)

And I said, it's very hard to admit we did something we wished we might not have, that caused us pain, expected or unexpected. I said, what if I had abandoned a child, and they found me and asked me later, what might I possibly say. (She said, you might say it was the grandmother.) (And I said, and in our case, my mother is dead, so you couldn't ask her. So it might be hard in this life to ever know the real truth.)

And then we were at dinner...and there will be more moments to talk and share and process.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-07-28 17:13:40.

Related posts:

1. How we get through hard times This quote came across my computer today: "I am more and more convinced that our happiness or our unhappiness depends far more on the way...
2. Adoption Corruption 2) Research the adoption related laws and regulations of a few sending countries 2) Research the adoption related laws and regulations of a few sending countries --No one knows everything about every country, so try to understand a...
3. Adoption Corruption 9) … make a difference in terms of the root causes of the “need” for adoption 9) Find ways to make a difference in terms of the root causes of the "need" for adoption --Find ways to address the contextual root...
4. Living with ambiguities in adoption [ ] ...these are the words that were recorded the day she dropped me off. they echo off blank walls, colored by my imagination -...
5. What to do about adoption corruption Over the next few days I will be posting a compilation of the expanded list of what to do about adoption corruption. I don't want...