My, my, my.

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• What it is to be an adoptee (or a mom)

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There we were minding our own business walking along in early morning when a younger couple came toward us. He was carrying a drink, with his other arm heavily across the girl’s shoulders. She did not look comfortable. I suppose they were in their mid-20’s, but who can tell. He had drunk more than was good for him (or her.)

He said to us, thinking he was funny, “I want you to know she really is beautiful inside, but she is not beautiful outside.”

He spoke with an accent, which I would say was likely Scandinavian. They were both attractive blonds. I don’t know if she spoke English, but a flash of hurt went across her face.

All I could think of was, WT? I wish I had known what to say that would not have made it worse. I don’t know which of them I felt more sympathy for. I hope she doesn’t let him affect her own sense of herself. I hope he has the good sense never to comment like this again, though that is unlikely. I hope this attitude is not set in stone in him.

It gave me something to think about for the rest of that day (and even today.) I think that is why we saw it, so our thoughts could be a help and healing.

It was surely a form of abuse. How likely is it that he would change…was this a one-off or something habitual? Or is every similar comment a one-off? Or is it just when he has been drinking too much (and how often is that?)

It is possible to love someone but know you can’t live with them.

What would your advice be for the girl, if she asked you? I was speechless. (I know, hard to believe.)

Karin

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Reading Leap!: What Will We Do with the Rest of Our Lives? makes me think we could all be one decision away from a more interesting life or at least a changed one.

Of course, I already did this with two Chinese adoptions. Never in my life did I ever think that was in the offing until it was.

It’s interesting to me to see how many things are out there, if we knew of them or were willing to follow our bliss, take the risk(s).

Of course, many of the people she interviews in her book are very capable of doing most anything. They have made (and maybe lost) fortunes because of their ability to look at life creatively. They haven’t lived a straight line yet, so why would they into the sunset years? Money is not necessarily a problem in choosing anything. OTOH, some live interesting lives and have never had much money, they just think outside the box.

The important thing (not things) might be either to look before leaping…or take the leap and go where it leads.

I suppose I have a tendency to be or do a bit of both. I don’t know that I’d leap without thought, but some leaps seemingly come together without thought, while a whole lifetime of decisions has led up to that leap.

She asks the question, if you are going to live another 30 years, what are you going to do?

I’m open to a lot of things, but I don’t know that I’ll ever be at a point to do them. And then doing them, perhaps it would be bliss or it would be: what the heck was I thinking, LOL. I always say, nothing is written in stone; you can always make another decision.

How about you? will you leap? are you leaping? do you even consider it? (somehow it reminds me of Star Trek…beam me in, Scotty.)

What would you do if you could do anything? would you do what you are doing now?

Karin

• How do you know if you are making the right decision

• In the wake of my son, Khabar magazine

• What it is to be an adoptee (or a mom)

• Life holds surprises

• Dear Abby’s column two days ago about revealing secret adoption

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In her book Leap!: What Will We Do with the Rest of Our Lives? Sara Davidson also heads to India. She knows some Boomers are living in India; some are living in Ashrams in India (and one long time Ashram dweller decides to leave the Ashram); and some are volunteering in India.

She goes to India to volunteer, teaching English in an orphanage, because of an interesting interview with Ed Wayne, an American Jew, who has retired from the oil business but uses his money in Belgrade to get things done. Because he can; because he can do things without red tape or government interference; because his interpretation of “never again” is “never again for anybody.’

Along the way, she goes to an Ashram and to another Ashram that someone tells her she must go to.

She also meets a sculptor who ships his things back home after he sculpts in India.

Anyway, her volunteer trip is definitely not 5* and she changes the names to protect the innocent. It is the trip from hell in many ways, not necessarily so much where she is or the accommodations, though they are very primitive, but the folks she associates with who are volunteering.

I have never been to India and I haven’t volunteered over seas. Have you?

Karin

• Fate and our part in it

• Finding birth family (and corruption) (and love) in India

• A minority amidst my own, Khabar magazine

• Adoption Corruption Child Laundering As Exploitation

• Bollywood! a little fun for a Saturday night or whenever

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I don’t think there is a single soul walking around who doesn’t have some prejudices. Maybe they keep us safe — or maybe we think they do anyway. Or maybe they come out of life’s experiences. Who knows. I suppose we fall into two categories: those who drop prejudices over time or those whose prejudices settle in more pronounced.

I was interested in what Sandra Bullock says about her husband who hosts cable-TV Monster Garage, sports a bunch of tattoos and knows his antiques.

I assumed he was a homophobic chauvinist, a bigot who killed people. And later I felt saddened by my assumptions because I wondered how many times had I written off people who truly were real. Sandra Bullock

I hope I’m overcoming a few of my own too. How about you?

Karin

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We thought we had done everything we could to ensure an ethical adoption, yet here we are parenting children who have been stolen and sold. Anonymous poster at IAT, with permission, known to me

The first step is being willing to look at reality and not blink or wink and own it as reality, even if it’s painful. The next step can’t be taken until we do the first. And get angry and upset and passionate about what we see. (and not deciding instead to more comfortably stick our heads back down in the sand).

The next step is asking what can be done, figuring it out concretely, and then applying all of our many, many talents to the task of making a difference.

Desiree at IAT, with permission

I consider Desiree and her husband David modern day heroes in the fight for ethics in adoption. I will ask her to share some of what she and her husband are doing here at my blog. And I have also asked her how we can muster the forces and resources at IAT in the fight.

For those of us who have no specifics about the background of our children, we can hope (and did hope) for ethical adoptions, but any one of us might be surprised. It behooves us to support the fight.

I put this in the section, What the hell were they thinking, not to fault the adoptive families/parents, but to point out those who perpetrate evils.

Please also, replay the song, I need a hero/Holding out for a hero that I posted a day ago.

Karin

• Adoption Corruption 1) Become educated about what’s going on in IA

• What to Do About Adoption Corruption, overview

• Adoption Corruption 18) Pool your resources and use your unique talents

• What about that HERO OF HARLEM!

• Adoption Corruption 10) Educate yourself on the adoption related laws and regulations of your own country

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A couple of days ago, Dear Abby’s column had a question from an aunt to a 50-something, asking if she should tell her niece she was adopted, since her sister, the woman’s adoptive mother had kept it a secret was now dead. Dear Abby’s answer was an unequivocal “yes”…I suppose I would have added, you know the dynamics of the family, and what it might mean. Ultimately it is your decision (and perhaps she already knows.)

I tend not to give advice for other people. How are you going to open a conversation that should have been opened 50 years earlier by someone else? I would not want to be in that position.

That said, it’s hard to believe at one time it was counseled not to tell children that they were adopted. (And I do know at least one family today who has not told.)

I remember a few times being asked in a Chinese restaurant by one of the servers if I was going to tell my daughter. Then she realized how silly she sounded and just kind of waved her hands at us (because it would be obvious to any observer)…but another server in another restaurant couldn’t believe she was adopted because she felt we looked alike, and we kinda, sorta do sometimes in the right light, at least at that time…

It’s hard not to tell when it is so obvious, but it really is the adopted person’s right to know their history and their genetics.

I think we will see big changes in counsel regarding telling (v. not telling) about donated eggs and sperm and embryos…and…

It’s a brave new world out there with a whole lotta choices there didn’t use to be. Not all of them are going to turn out hunky-dory. And we are on the cutting edge. That, of course, makes it harder for the children too, as they are walking a path hitherto unknown.

It’s easier, in some ways, to be adopted if you look like your family, because it isn’t the first thing people discern about you. Though for some adoptees there is a constant disconnect, whether one’sappearance fits or not. Some transracial adoptees say that sometimes they don’t want to be taken to college by their parents, for instance, because at college no one knows them and they have the opportunity, for once in their lives, to be seen separate from the adoption issue, unless they wish to tell it.

Karin

• Dear Abby today on telling about secret adoption

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A friend got possibly the worst ‘gift’ we’ve ever heard of for her anniversary.  After we got over it, we laughed. 

The only thing we could say was: what the hell was he thinking!  

Karin

• Dear Abby today on telling about secret adoption

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