Savvy Thinker » Relationships

Who or what is (on) your support team?

Karin — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:28:48 +0000

I've been thinking about Owen Wilson lately with sadness, as I imagine many of us have been.

I think at one time or another in our life most of us have secret sorrows, where our public persona is different than/from our private persona. And our thoughts may be far different than most people observing us from outside would expect.

It's so important to have a support team!

Sometimes it is not the folks we thought might help us who are the ones who actually do. That's an interesting observation too.

Is there someone you can confide in? someone who is in your corner? who will keep your confidences? someone (maybe a different someone) for whom you are their support team or on it? is there someone you can encourage to have a support team (and maybe you are that someone -- maybe you need to remind yourself that you are the one who is in need of a support team and that you should not delay?)

It's hard to let down the mask sometimes, to let someone in, or find an activity that supports you, whether it is church or temple, Weight Watchers, Curves, the Internet, the gym, an exercise buddy, a book club, art lessons, a knitting shop, or etc.

What is it that stands in the way of reaching out? depression? feeling (wrongly) unworthy or unloved? feeling, at least for the moment, that it is hopeless, that there is no help, or that no one would or does understand?

Do you know what gives you comfort if you feel down? a cup of tea? convo with a friend? window shopping? having more quiet time? pacing your tasks at home better? getting help? realizing you can't do it all and figuring out a better way to do it? doing something to lessen anxiety, stress or tension? getting out in nature? making sure you or your life doesn't get out of balance with too much running around and not enough thought?

If you are a caregiver, it's important to let others share some of the tasks. Do you have a someone? or several someones? are you able to let them do it their way, to give them the space to help, even if it is different than the way you might do it? (who cares, if it shares the burden?) do you feel people would judge you if you didn't do it all?

Do you have someone who counsels you in some manner -- and do you listen? (Not all counselors are equal -- some we would do well not to listen to.) A pastor? a therapist? a peer? a coach? a spiritual adviser? someone who's BTDT and is farther along the road than you are?

Do you have a book -- or several books -- that you turn to consistently for solace and support? (Would you share here?)

Do you notice if things don't seem right around you? are you open to intuitively knowing if someone is hurting? how do you know when to speak up or just to support silently? at what point would you feel it is imperative to 'interfere' or even do an intervention? are you deepening your level of friendships (and your compassion) so that someone might confide in you if they were in need?

Do you have a support team? do you need one? (we all do)...are you ready if you suddenly had a need you weren't expecting? is it already in place? could you strengthen it in some way?

Do you have a support team? have you ever had to call in your cards and use it?

Karin

Originally posted 2007-09-02 12:53:37.

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Review The Unsung Hero by Suzanne Brockman

Karin — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 00:15:51 +0000

Suzanne Brockman writes several series. This book is from her Troubleshooter's series, stories of US Navy Seal Team Sixteen. Each book details the story of another member of the team, as well as intertwines the characters more and more.

I'm not sure if this is the first book, but it's a good place to start. I have liked some of the stories more than others, but I like the concept.

I picked this book up again recently and found myself rereading it, something I rarely do.

From Suzanne Brockman's website:

After a near-fatal head injury, U.S. Navy SEAL Lieutenant Tom Paoletti catches a terrifying glimpse of an international terrorist in his New England hometown. When he calls for help, the Navy dismisses the danger as injury-induced imaginings. In a desperate last-ditch effort to prevent disaster, Tom creates his own makeshift counterterrorist team, assembling his most loyal officers, two elderly veterans of the Second World War, a couple of misfit teenagers, and Dr. Kelly Ashton -- the sweet "girl next door" who has grown into a remarkable woman. Once known as the town’s infamous bad boy, Tom has always longed for Kelly. Now he has one final chance for happiness, one last chance to win her heart, and one desperate chance to save the day....

HERO: Lt. Tom Paoletti, U.S. Navy SEAL Commander
HEROINE: Dr. Kelly Ashton, pediatrician
LOCATION: Baldwin’s Bridge, Massachusetts

You can call these romance books with a twist. The twist is, of course, saving the day.

In this book, various voices narrate the action. I particularly liked this. It was believable and not just a writing device. It actually allowed the reader to catch glimpses of the inner persons. And woven through the book are the narrations of a romance and heroic actions during WWII in France. These actions have direct bearing on the circumstances in the book.

There is to be a ceremony honoring the hero of Baldwin's Bridge (Tom's uncle -- and until this point in time Tom never knew of the actions of his uncle in OSS) -- and his uncle plans to give an interview to a reporter detailing the real hero (Kelly's father.)

The characters rise to the occasion, get the bad guy(s), save the day, fall in love -- what more could you want from a story.

And the romance develops over a slow pace -- the entire book -- with a lot of stream of consciousness and flirting and some serious, but not crude, sex.

Tom has been told that his kind of head injury may result in paranoia. And he has bad headaches throughout the book.

When he first catches a glimpse of the man he strongly believes is the Merchant, he recognizes the odd way he puts his backpack on his shoulders. He has altered his appearance some, if indeed it is the Merchant. Tom feels it is his duty to report this sighting, but it is not well received. No legitimate source of intel has anything, but the fact that it is believed the Merchant died of his injuries in the last encounter.

Tom continues to catch glimpses of him -- as well as the tattoo that members of the Merchant's team use to identify themselves.

But has he seen him or hasn't he? Does he just imagine there is danger when there is not? Even though paranoia usually means thinking that only oneself is in danger, whereas here he sees the possibility of others' being in danger, he must decide if he should pursue following this lead, even if it means he could be medically discharged from the Seals.

He calls in as many of his trusted team as he can, making them know it is not an order, that they are acting on their own time (vacation.) Good thing he did too.

The action gets very fast paced at the end where they must find the bomb and save the day.

Have you read any of Brockman's books or series?
Which is your favorite? This is one of mine. I kept putting it down so as to savor the finish.

Karin

Originally posted 2009-06-28 10:22:39.

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Entwined fate(s) and forgiveness

Karin — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 20:20:51 +0000

To say, my fate is not tied to your fate, is like saying, your end of the boat is sinking. Hugh Downs

Forgiveness is not an elective in the curriculum of life. It is a required course, and the exams are always tough to pass.
Charles Swindoll

These two quotes happened to be side by side in my miscellaneous quote file. I thought, I think they look like they could go together. So I've been thinking of them that way. I'm not sure how to tie them in so it would make sense if your thoughts weren't following the same path. It's easier for me to see it, than to write it.

Maybe it's just the syncretism I see in tying them together. If all parts are necessary for the whole, then it stands to some sort of reason that we need all parts, that we are not as separate as we think.

I think we all learn forgiveness, but I'm not sure all-forgiveness is possible in this life (or maybe even a goal.) We do what we can with what we have, and throw some grace in that makes things possible that are not ordinarily possible, and that's about all I can say about that. And somehow our fates are tied together, forgiveness or not. The required course is tough, but a passing grade is all that is required, not perfection. I think passing can be a sliding scale depending on what we are dealing with, do you? Mercy and grace cover a multitude of falling short of the goal, when we are still doing our best to see our way through.

And somehow, it makes me think, today, of the last HP book in the series. Maybe not the forgiveness part, but the entwined fates part. And how much friendship can make our path easier, even if it is hard.

And it made me laugh to think of only one end of a boat sinking. As if!

Karin

Originally posted 2007-07-20 16:55:20.

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Thinking about friendships

Karin — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 05:48:57 +0000

What is said in the chair, stays in the chair. My hair stylist.

To have a friend, you have to be one. Karin

Yesterday I found myself thinking about what constitutes friendship. Why are we just naturally drawn to some and not to others? Is it because we are alike and have similar interests or are thrown together because of life's events, regardless of similarities or not, or because we are different, so have something to add to each other, or ... or all of the above? And what is friendship, anyway?

A couple of friends have recently come back into my life, which is evidence of life's serendipities. Live long enough and who knows what good things are in store! One calls me frequently; the other sends me forwards by email. (Email is such a blessing!) One has come into (and out of) my life several times. The other I had not heard from since high school.

I think perhaps the hardest time to make or keep friendships is when we are in high school. It is a kind of closed microcosm. Parents need to be aware of the milieu their kids are in. Even college is an easier time, at least if you are in a big school like I was. But once we are adults, we can pick and choose our friends from different areas and walks of life. We aren't limited by lack of transportation. And now cell phones and email and email lists make keeping up so much easier. I have made some good friends online, some of whom I've met in RL.

Later, when I got my hair cut, I asked my hair stylist about her thoughts on friendship. At one point she said, laughing, "What is said in the chair, stays in the chair." Missing a beat, she said, "It's a take-off on Las Vegas." I said, laughing with her, "I know, I caught the reference." It was so funny to me. I would never have thought about it for a hair stylist, but I have heard more than once that stylists are confidants to their clients. So it should be true of all hair stylists -- and friendships.

I think it goes almost without saying that a friend should keep confidences and be trustworthy.

She went on to say:

A friend should be non-judgmental. At one point I was having trouble with my son, and a woman I considered a good friend was very judgmental. I had kept quiet about a lot of things because I would not have wanted to hurt her.

Yes, at least friends should be able to share, even if they don't think alike on all things.

I read once, and it made an impression on me:

Women make the mistake of thinking friendly is friendship. A man never does. Author unknown

I thought at the time that it was thought provoking. I consider myself a friendly person. But I'm cautious when it comes to letting a new person in as a close friend. I suppose I have a self-protective streak. It's the old adage: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Another friend said:

Friendship can be anywhere on a scale from just short of an enemy to a best friend.

Most people are acquaintances, not friends. I call them friends, but I do know the difference in levels of friendship.

There should be some measure of love in a reciprocal form. It's not as good, if it is more one-sided.

It takes some time and work to open or maintain a friendship.

There should be some regularity in contact, even if years intervene between times. That seems like an oxymoron, doesn't it. Yet I have some friends who live a long distance from me, and whether our contact is once a year, or more or less frequently, the love is there bridging over the gaps even if specifics of life are not known on a day to day basis. And we visit as we can.

Friends should wish each other well and want the best in life for each other.

I never really gave too much thought to how to start a friendship. They just seem(ed) to happen. But I saw an adult make a friend once. She had moved to a new area and called another woman repeatedly until a friendship developed. Over time, she broke down any resistance. I saw the same thing happen with a new 6th grade girl who wanted to break into what she considered the top crowd, when my oldest daughter was in 6th grade. Persistence won the day. It was almost funny to watch. At that age I wouldn't have had a clue. I likely don't have a clue today, because I probably would move on to another person or group.

What do you think about friendship?
What's important to you in friendship? What makes a good friend a good friend or a best friend a best friend?

And when do you know a friendship is over? That's a topic for another post.

I suppose in one sense, my closest friend is God. There aren't any secrets.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-02-20 12:14:15.

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Daddies’ little girl

Karin — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 10:05:17 +0000

This article is written by a woman raised by her mother and step-father and her desire to know her biological father. She also says how many of their mannerisms are similar even though they hardly knew each other.

It offers some interesting insights if you are raising children or have divorced or are considering divorce.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-06-14 19:59:25.

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When do you know a friendship is over?

Karin — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 01:49:19 +0000

The loss of some friendships hits at a visceral level.

On the other hand some friendships just kind of drift away from lack of contact or interest(s.) When growing up, I had serial best friends. There didn't seem to be any reason why one friendship segued into another. It just happened. Some friendships just naturally seem to grow apart. There wasn't any blow up.

A friend and I were talking yesterday about someone she'd lost contact with. It's a puzzle. And it worries on some level to lose track of someone. We agreed that even as good friends as we are, we do not know how to contact each other's grown children. She said to me that some losses are greater than others.

The loss of this friend would not mean the same as the loss of another (and she named another friend.)

This same friend found out the hard way that a woman she considered a friend was anything but. In retrospect, she said they never talked about anything of significance. And some of what this woman confided in her might have been colored by the woman herself, so when push came to shove, she was not as she had portrayed herself or the situations to be. How much of what she'd said over years was even true, or only true from her standpoint. That was a tough loss.

Another friend went to check on a friend only to find out the friend had moved with no contact information. It worries my friend because the person who moved was going through some hard times. It's just very strange. My friend said the lesson was to learn how badly that hurt someone and not to ever do it.

Continuing the story of my hair stylist:

A friend should be non-judgmental. At one point I was having trouble with my son, and the woman I considered a friend was very judgmental. I said to her, I have to end this conversation right now, and I hung up. That was really the end of the friendship for me. [It would be for me too.] She called me back yelling at me. Later I sent her a note and told her exactly how I felt. Ordinarily I would never have said anything to hurt her. I'd have kept quiet -- and I had kept quiet about a number of things that had bothered me over time. But not this time. When she had problems, I was always there for her, but when I was desperate, she hit at a low level. My hair stylist, with permission

I thought it was good that she knew when to get out of the conversation. And I think anybody who yelled at me would be long-gone. They wouldn't be a friend. (I try not to give a reason to be yelled at, that's for sure!) I might be friendly with them, but I would limit contact, if at all possible, and I wouldn't be friends on the same level, even if outwardly I was friendly. There would be loss of a point of trust, and things would never be quite the same.

I don't like confrontation. But I don't run from one either, once I give it some thought. Occasionally, very occasionally, I have popped off in the moment, which happened to be a good thing. But usually I consider carefully, before I let anything fly.

When have you lost a friend...and when did you know the friendship was over?

Karin

Originally posted 2007-02-20 12:39:24.

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Sex and the city music

Karin — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 10:02:48 +0000

This one's for my college daughter who likes/d the show. (Love you, honey!)

Having friends is a powerful thing.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-01-27 09:28:19.

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The need to try as a parent

Karin — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 09:45:54 +0000

People need to find their own way of understanding things. We really can't be taught or told on these IA issues that remain the issues of the adopted child. I imagine we APs can only see a part, then another,then another glimpse of a previous partial understanding... maybe only if we try try try. My Kids will remember if I have tried, that we were in it together. That might be a big thing next to the love, a kind of proof of love, when they are grown.
Gordon, Adoptive Parent, with permission

Originally posted 2007-01-27 11:48:36.

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Weathering storms

Karin — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 09:27:08 +0000

Storm winds can take many forms. They can be of the weather, or they can be of the whether. Not all storms are without.

We learned some hard lessons here a couple of years ago when we had three hurricanes go through back to back. One was particularly devastating. We have always stayed, except for one year when we evacuated to friends', watching the strength of the winds, prepared to go, and we stayed this particular time. But it was different. While we were used to going without electricity after a hurricane, and the heat can really get to you especially with the still air, we did not know what it was like to have no food in the stores (for about 5 days after the storm). A couple of the restaurants were able to open with limited menus. When I saw milk in the store finally, just a few bottles, I almost cried. No one took more than one, so there would be something left for someone else.

We had major intersections with no lights -- they had blown to kingdom come. They set up temporary stop signs. It was really interesting to come up to an intersection with four lanes in each direction, plus left turns, and try to figure out when it was safe to go. Lights really speed the process.

We looked like a war zone. The only thing that made it a bit easier was that we knew there would be an end in sight, unlike a war. But most of us talked in those terms. Where would we get food if there were a war? or any of the other things we take so for granted.

One thing I particularly liked in China was that the lights count down: so many seconds until it would change. That made it easier to wait out the light, knowing when it was going to change. I thought that was terrific and wished we had it here.

I think that enters into weathering a storm. If we only knew when it would be over and we'd be back to normal, whatever that is, we could get through it easier.

Well, one of the after effects of the storm was the length of time it took to get things up and running...and fixing houses still a year later and more...and not being able to think straight for a period of time. I suppose PTSD in one form or another.

It's very difficult to make decisions if you can't manage a cohesive thought.

And it was hard to do without phones. Even cell phones were out.

In the restaurant, the first time we were able to get food (and our food had lasted just until then), the man behind us was quite put out that it was a limited menu. I was in awe that they had any staff or any food. We got to talking as I left the restaurant. He said he'd only just had his porch repaired from the last storm, and it came down again. He guessed he had a 'disposible porch.' I dunno, but it struck me funny, and I started to laugh, and the two of us got to laughing, because it really was funny, and his mood lightened considerably.

Sometimes you have to laugh or you'd cry.

Parts of FL have been declared a disaster from the storm yesterday. We were not included as it bypassed us, thankfully.

And I know parts of Missouri and other states are going through much the same with massive cleanups as a result of the ice storms.

We do have a concept of what it is like.

After the storms hit us, someone, an online friend/acquaintance, sent me some money to put to use where it would do the most good. While we could have used it, I passed it to a friend who was in worse conditions than we were. I think just the thought of someone doing such a thing helped her get through.

And yesterday I got a call from someone I don't know, saying she was willing to drive over and pick up anyone I knew in need and put up air mattresses. She thought it was our area.

Never underestimate the power of friends or the Internet.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-02-03 12:53:02.

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No FOTD today, but a lotta other stuff…

Karin — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 06:56:48 +0000

Today was a lovely, lazy, very busy -- oxymoron, I know -- happy, productive, fun day. I did nothing -- and everything.

Meanwhile some tropical storm or other is likely sitting off the coast because after having no rain for longer than we'd care to remember, we are getting inundated with it. No thunder; no lightening; just lots of glorious, wet weather. Good weather for ducks.

I like rain -- any rain. I like the sound of it. I like the overcast nature of it -- which can be overcast in one place and across the street the sun can be shining. Unlike Michigan where it would be overcast all over for days.

I like it that it breaks the heat and humidity.

The temps dropped from in the high 80s, low 90s, to the high 60s. Glorious weather.

I like the smell of rain. I look for the perfect scent of rain in a fragrance, and I've tried out several. Some I just like to have around to smell when I want that ozone/dirt perfect fragrance. The latest I've tried is Thundra -- a truly lovely, interesting fragrance. I might review it tomorrow.

And I stayed in all day except for all the schlepping of the kids. The 11 yr old had a field trip today in pouring rain. I sent her off with a sweatshirt and an umbrella. She came back wet.

Night products
Admission: generally I don't take my makeup off at night. Bad Karin. But I don't perspire, so my face is still clean. Last night was no exception, but I wanted to use the Arbonne night cream. So after I cleansed my face today -- with the Arbonne samples -- I put on night cream and enjoyed the day. I actually think I could apply my makeup over the top of it, but I never got to it.

When I was in my 20s, night creams were too rich and would break me out. And moisturizer alone, without something to seal it in, wasn't moist enough. I'd wake up drier than I'd like. So, for me, my regimen has been pretty much no night products, unless I wore them in the daytime, or unless I was jump starting my face.

I don't recommend this if you have oily skin or if it doesn't work for you. But whatever works, works!

So what did I do?
You got me, but the day flew!

No, seriously, I did a lot of beading to catch up with projects I had.

Oh! and I started a ning group for serious bead addicts of Trollbeads, Pandora, Chamilia, Biagi, artisan or other beads http:www.addicted2beads.ning.com It will be a place for resources of all kinds, including shops or artists that might want to tell about themselves.

I helped my 13 yo learn to iron so her skirt would look better for school. Schlepped the kids, including waiting at the bus stop until she was picked up -- and again until she was dropped off -- as it was raining too hard to let her stand out there in the elements.

Leave me a message so I know you are out there.

I'm going to enjoy the sound of the pouring rain. How about you? Do you like rain? Is it raining where you are? Do you need rain? We were parched here.
Karin
www.savvythinker.com

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