There is a famous prayer often called the Serenity Prayer. Sometimes we simply have to accept what is, while we work it out in thought and prayer, trying to figure out what is the difference between what we must accept and what we must try to change.
Waiting for a Chinese adoption right now falls into this category. But so do a lot of other things.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
–Reinhold Niebuhr
In letting go, we release our mental pictures of how things should turn out and accept what the universe brings us. We accept that we don’t really know how things should be. (p 186)
…surrender [is] a choice, and … it [does] not mean giving up… When we surrender, we accept it just as it is…to see that we always have choices, in every situation, is surrender. To turn away from a situation is to give up. To turn into it is surrender. (p 188-189)
Sometimes we have to turn into the wind in order to take advantage of it. The wind is going to blow anyway. The question is what are we going to do while it does?
…conditions may never change, which makes us victims of their not changing. To say, ‘I will only be peaceful if such and such happens’ is pretty limiting…I’m not talking about accepting everything that happens. If you don’t like the television show you’re watching, you don’t have to surrender to it — change the channel.
…I’m talking about situations we have decided are insurmountable obstacles to happiness….Surrendering into life as it is can be the quickest and most powerful way to get the lesson out of the situation. You can’t change your bad childhood, but you can have a good life… you can stop wasting your time and energy [on things that won't change]…[it] doesn’t mean that life is over.
…if happiness is possible tomorrow, it is also possible today. If love is possible tomorrow, it is possible today. (p 188-193)
If we have to get through a situation in order to get to the other side, then we simply have to do it, a day at a time, making each day count as best we can, making choices for happiness even as we walk the path. Nobody can tell you what works for you, but you can find it for yourself. Don’t let a day go by without finding some happiness in it. Take a moment to notice the good things around you.
…live every day to its fullest. When was the last time you really looked at the sea? Or smelled the morning? … to see the stars… to gaze out on the ocean. Many of us live near the ocean but never take the time to look at it. We all live under the stars, but do we look up at the sky? Do we really touch and taste life, do we see and feel the extraordinary, especially in the ordinary? (p 224)
There are wonderful moments waiting in this day. Go for it!
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Of all the gifts my mother gave me, not the least of which was an excellent childhood, I’d have to say that ‘enthusiasm’ was by far one of the most valuable. She taught me not to miss the parade, if you know what I mean. You don’t always have to actually JOIN the parade, if that’s not your personality- but you should SHOW UP and cheer and laugh and sing along, if only to yourself. -c
I simply love this quote, not much else to add to that. I like it for me as both the parent and the child I once was, but still embody. I too had an excellent childhood, or at least a plenty-good-enough one, but I wasn’t taught the rest of this. I had to pick it up for myself in the parades of life. And I have to encourage my children in this direction.
As an adult, once when I was going through what might possibly have been a difficult situation, someone said to me to view it as if I were sitting in a parade stand. I should think of it as if I were (or had been) watching it pass by, not as if I were in it. I thought that was very helpful to remember. I had sort of felt that way at the time it was happening, not exactly removed from it, but not within it either. It helped me feel freer of any repercussions. And it seemed a kind of grace.
Karin
A mother should give her children a superabundance of enthusiasm, that after they have lost all they are sure to lose in mixing with the world, enough may still remain to prompt and support them through great actions. Julius C. Hare (1795-1855) English Cleric
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“The summer night is like a perfection of thought.” –Wallace Stevens
“In summer, the song sings itself.” –William Carlos Williams
Sometimes I take stock of myself or my life and remember the simple things that, if I but notice them, make life easier. At times that is about the best way to get through. A perfect summer night is one of them.
It has been beautiful around here lately. I never fail to recognize it when I feel the breeze, and it is cool. Warm days, but not blistering, and cooling off at night. By August, and even into October, the cool down is practically minimal.
I was waiting for summer to share these quotes. The trouble for me is that summer here can be just too, too hot. When it is, I run my errands early in the morning or after 5 pm. I don’t know how people survived minus air conditioning.
Well, as a kid, we headed to the lake. And when we were in town, we lived at the swimming pool.
The other day I saw a great old car — it looked brand new — and as much as I might have liked tooling around in it, a blast from the past, there wasn’t any air conditioning. Nope, no can do!
Right now, today, I was thinking that for June we are having very temperate weather. I’m surprised it isn’t hotter, but a lot of it is because we’ve had literally inches of rain. Afternoon rains cool it down right quick. For me, it’s even better if there’s some overcast. Let the sun come out, and it is too, too hot.
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The young man knows the rules, but the old man knows the exceptions. Oliver Wendell Holmes
I love the idea of the flexibility that is behind this quote. Every rule has its exception.
I know someone whose life was ordered by seeing things as either right or wrong, black or white, no shades of grey. For her, I think to believe or live the exceptions would have felt too unsafe. How else to order the world? At the same time she was very kind and compassionate. In a sense she was a product of her times and her upbringing.
I, on the other hand, can be too knowledgeable about the shades of grey to clearly make a strong leap to the side of the rules, rebel of the heart that I am.
Somewhere there is balance.
And in that balance, somewhere, there is the knowledge that every rule has its exception.
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I like each of these. It’s a toss up which one is more appropriate for any given day.
Nurture hope, pack lightly, quell rumors… all speak to Chinese adoption at the moment, and to other things as well.
Be ready for the things life has to offer. Wait patiently, doing what you can today.
Until I no longer had a source for them, I used to give silver rings engraved with ‘hope’ to people, if they were going through deep waters. It was a visible way for them to know that someone cared. I wish I could find them again.
Master something made me laugh. Something! how difficult is that. It could be anything, no matter how small. Master anything. Find something that interests you and go with it.
Which of these speak to you today?
Karin
Accept differences
Be kind
Count your blessings
Dream
Express thanks
Forgive
Give freely
Harm no one
Imagine more
Jettison anger
Keep confidences
Love truly
Master something
Nurture hope
Open your mind
Pack lightly
Quell rumors
Reciprocate
Seek wisdom
Touch hearts
Understand
Value truth
Win graciously
Xeriscape
Yearn for peace
Zealously support a worthy cause
Renee Stewart
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We APs are a solution to problems in some ways, but we then generate new & unnecessary problems. Same old.
Keep reading & looking, China is working on it, I can best work on me.
We need the voices of Adult Adoptees, whether at the IAT yahoo site, or in a book, a lecture, a seminar. No one else cuts thru it as well. The stuff I demonstrate in talk & attitude, really exposes my bias & lack of understanding. Maybe I’m learning xyz, but oblivious of abc. I see what I see, but how much is way off in me that my kids will see?
How is it possible for experienced APs to avoid main issues, including preconceptions, while diving into dance- around- the-issue answers?
Gordon, Adoptive Parent (AP) with permission
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This comes from a Christian divorce recovery source, but I felt this applied to many situations in life, not just divorce. Sometimes we get to the other side only as we go through pain. It’s helpful to know that many things in life are a process, not an instant. This feels much like how I ‘got through’ the miscarriages I had.
Stabilizing Your Life: How Long Will It Take?
Day 13
Each person’s recovery experience is unique, and there is no guarantee on how much time it will take until you feel whole again. Although you cannot be certain about the date, you can be certain about the healing, and in order to heal, you must take some specific steps. The first step, as we have said before, is to point yourself in the right direction. Second, make a commitment to moving forward. Third, acknowledge that what you are experiencing is normal. The fourth step is to understand that you must go through the recovery process.
“Let the pain run its course,” says Rob Eagar. “As humans we are so focused on wanting to feel good all the time. Then when hurt and pain come into our lives, we do anything to get rid of it. Understand that it is going to hurt for a while. Having that realization helped me to face my pain and to be able to say, ‘Okay, this is how it’s going to be.’”
An important part of your healing is based on your understanding that recovery is a process, and it is a process you must go through, despite the pain. http://www.divorcecare.org
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I came across this quote after I was thinking about what dreams the older women might have held or what the younger women expected from life. I loved the idea of nourishing and protecting our dreams, nursing them through bad days.
Not every dream comes to fruition effortlessly. Some take a good deal of patience and perseverance to bring to life.
Are you holding onto a dream, perhaps in the face of naysayers? One thing for me, was waiting on our first adoption from China. It took a lot, and a lot of time, before it came to pass. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t going to happen.
Karin
All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter’s evening. Some of us let our dreams die, but others nourish and protect them, nurse them through bad days till they bring them to sunshine and light, which always come to those who sincerely believe that their dreams will come true. Woodrow Wilson
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You can’t debate faith nor can you debunk it. Faith is a personal choice inside one’s heart. It’s a choice the famous and much controversial theologian Karl Bart called a “leap of faith.”
If you’re going to be a sojourner of faith, you’ll need to prepare for some leaps, because my guess is somewhere along the way you’ll be making some horrendous leaps that come with a rush one never would experience from a bungee cord on “Fear Factor.”
But be forewarned: It’s a leap you’ll need to make by yourself. When it comes to faith, it doesn’t matter who your daddy is. You’ll have to unearth it and claim it for your own. Norris Burkes
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I knew someone who used to say that everyone has faith and everyone has doubt — it’s important not to mix them up, to doubt the things we should have faith in, and have faith in the things we should be questioning.
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This is my living faith, an active faith, a faith of verbs: to question, explore, experiment, experience, walk, run, dance, play, eat, love, learn, dare, taste, touch, smell, listen, argue, speak, write, read, draw, provoke, emote, scream, sin, repent, cry, kneel, pray, bow, rise, stand, look, laugh, cajole, create, confront, confound, walk back, walk forward,circle, hide, and seek. To seek: to embrace the questions, be wary of answers. -Terry Tempest Williams, naturalist and author (1955- )
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Every day brought a different clutter of emotions that came from a kaleidoscope of broken feelings. I traveled through a jungle of changing emotions — bitterness, grief, anger, guilt, and a myriad of others …Jayant Kamicheril
And he tells some sweet stories that he remembers of his son who was quite astute as our kids often are. He said he struggled to explain the rationale behind his decision to divorce after a quarter century, and his son helped him with a quirky observation:
Getting married is mostly an irrational decision, but getting divorced is always a rational one. Anand Kamicheril
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At first dreams seem impossible, then improbable, then inevitable. Christopher Reeve (1952-2004)
…destination, determination, deliberation…[the 3 D's important to know in learning to apparate**] J.K. Rowling
In re-hearing these 3 D’s, it struck me that these 3 D’s are important in bringing good into our lives. What is our destination — what are we aiming for (or dreaming into being)…are we determined enough to move it from the improbable to the inevitable…and then do we add the quality of deliberation of truly thinking it through — realizing it is not self-will, but that it is expectation and self-openness that speed our progress?
If you have read the sequence where Harry Potter and his friends learn to apparate, you know it doesn’t always work as planned on the first try. (I say this about the transporter in Star Trek — I’ll want to make sure the apple gets to the other end in one piece before I try it.) If their train of thought is broken, they don’t apparate correctly. Perhaps that is the way it is with dreams. Some dreams are inevitable because we dedicate our thought to them. Some other dreams we let go of, because other dreams are coming into being or a dream simply isn’t dream-worthy.
It was a long haul to the adoption of our first Chinese daughter. A lot of doors shut before we found China, and it took so long, it was as if it had shut too. It is tempting to give it up, but if it is truly to come into being then we mustn’t quit, we just keep on doing what needs to be done as it needs to be done, never discounting the courage to keep going.
Three people come to mind who never gave up: Winston Churchill, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Helen Keller. I’m sure there are others. They faced and mastered obstacles greater than I’ve ever been called upon to face. And persevered.
Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight. Helen Keller (1880-1968)
Karin
**Apparition (A-pa-RI-shun)
Apparate, Disapparate
nonverbal spell
from “appareo” L. to appear
Advanced spell used by fully trained witches and wizards to disappear from one place and appear almost instantly somewhere else. A person who uses this spell is referred to as an Apparator.
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Gucci Flora edp and Island Night edt are siblings; they aren’t twins. They begin differently and end differently, but at the midpoint they are very much the same on me.
And when I first spritz Island Night, I wonder what made me buy it at the store. It’s a whopper. And, in general, I have to be very, very careful with orange blossom in fragrances. It usually goes sharp on me.
The Road Not Taken
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Crabree and Evelyn sells Island Night. It comes in a beautiful midnight blue flask, with some heft to it. It is a pleasure to hold. It also comes in an evening compact with enhancer, body wash and lotion, a scented candle, and a fragrance diffuser for the home.
Notes: purple and white orchids, night blooming jasmine, orange blossom nectar, green island palms, woods, musk
I chose the edt over the compact as there was more scent to it. After spraying the edt, I could hardly smell the compact. The compact might be an easier way to wear it. I haven’t tried either the candle or the diffuser, though the diffuser especially looks lovely.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
Why the two fragrances would be reminiscent of each other, at least at mid-point is a mystery to me:
Gucci Flora notes: citrus, peony, rose, osmanthus, sandalwood and patchouli
Perhaps it is the orange blossom-citrus thing going on.
Island Night starts off with a bang. It is heady and heavy. You are in a garden with a lover, heavy-eyed, under a deep sky with stars low enough to touch.
Gucci Flora begins at a similar place, only it is twilight. The winds have blown through the garden for a bit, and your lover has not yet arrived. It is easier to wear from the get-go.
At the mid-point, there is not a lot of difference. Gucci Flora might be a tad sweeter.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. Robert Frost 1920
And then, at the end, both fragrances circle back around again. Island Night has the same nuance at the end, as at the beginning but softened, not nearly as strong. Funny that it is gone in the middle. Gucci Flora stays the same through the end. Truly lovely.
And what about several hours later? I can still smell Gucci Flora, though I have to bring my arm up. I could still smell it faintly before I got out of bed from the night before. Whereas, Island Night is gone. No trace. But it sure packs a wallop in the beginning.
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I don’t think there is a single soul walking around who doesn’t have some prejudices. Maybe our prejudices serve to keep us safe — or maybe we think they do anyway. Or maybe they come out of life’s experiences. Who knows. I suppose we fall into two categories: those who drop prejudices over time or those whose prejudices settle in more pronounced.
I was interested in what Sandra Bullock says about her husband who hosts cable-TV Monster Garage, sports a bunch of tattoos and knows his antiques.
I assumed he was a homophobic chauvinist, a bigot who killed people. And later I felt saddened by my assumptions because I wondered how many times had I written off people who truly were real. Sandra Bullock
I hope I’m overcoming a few of my own too. How about you?
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