Savvy Thinker » Parenting

The inverse power of praise — how to talk to your children

Karin — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 22:10:41 +0000

This was an interesting article on motivating your child.

I know there are some things I don't tackle. It's easier to stick with what we know we are good at. OTOH, life is boring if we are afraid to branch out.

Of those praised for their effort, 90 percent chose the harder set of puzzles. Of those praised for their intelligence, a majority chose the easy test. The “smart” kids took the cop-out.

Karin

Originally posted 2008-01-23 12:46:17.

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Baby selling in China

Karin — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 20:18:36 +0000

What a tragedy for all the babies and their birth families. While I was aware of baby selling in parts of the world when I adopted from China, 10 and 12 years ago, I didn't believe it happened in China at the time I adopted. Who knows how much of it went on in those days.

Where there is money to be made illicitly, there always seems to be some degree of greed/need. But there is no thought given to the innocents in this, to the babies. Will they reunite them with their families? will any families come forward?

Tragic that families feel the need to sell their children or are swindled into doing so.

Every child deserves a loving family, but in this world it doesn't always happen. Let us work and pray for a more equitable world, for the safety and health of children everywhere, so that no child is separated from their family, from necessity or neglect or scandal, and can grow into their selfhood unencumbered and in joy. So let it be.

Karin

Henan police break up alleged baby-trafficking ring

By Chen Qian | 2009-1-8 | ONLINE EDITION

HENAN Province railway police caught 11 suspects of an alleged baby-trafficking ring after finding seven infants less than one month old taken onto a train.

The seven infants were girls. They were saved by police at Zhengzhou Railway Station in Henan. The girls are now at a social welfare home in the city, Xinhua news agency reported today. Two more suspects are still at large, police said.

Police were suspicious of eight women with infants at the railway station on October 21, Xinhua said. Police couldn't understand their dialect so they stopped them for questioning.

They soon confessed the infants were not their babies and they were taking them to Shandong Province for sale. Four of the suspects are Guizhou Province natives and four are from Yunnan Province, the report said.

The alleged leader Long Fang confessed to police that she asked her in-law Liu Yongqiong to buy babies in October. Liu later contacted a man surnamed Huang and three other suspects to purchase infants in Yunnan.

Liu and Huang remain at large.

Long purchased five infants for 14,600 yuan (US$2,147) in mid October and organized five women to transport them to Shandong, where her accomplice Zhang Li was waiting for the babies, the report said.

Six suspects took a train from Guiyang in Guizhou Province and met two other accomplices half way. The pair had two babies they purchased for 8,000 yuan in Guizhou. They arrived at Zhengzhou Railway Station on October 21 and planned to take a bus to Shandong with the others, the report said.

After catching eight women in Zhengzhou, police caught five more suspects in Shandong, Yunnan and Guizhou in the following three weeks. Among them, 11 have been detained and two are still being investigated, according to the report.

Originally posted 2009-03-20 19:11:15.

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Jero singing Enko part 2

Karin — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 18:06:37 +0000

Adoptive parents who see the world through a rigid set of lenses

Karin — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:22:37 +0000

i just finished Language of Blood The Language of Blood(my 3rd time thru it) and i'm focusing this time on how depressing it is to read about adoptive parents who can only see the world thru one rigid set of lenses and how [some] aparents could not see [their child] for who [s/he] is separate from what fantasy they held. wouldn't learning to hear/listen be so much better for parents? is n't that a lesson we want to teach our kids? put yrself in someone else's shoes, empathy, understanding,.. etc. you know what i mean. cynthia, adoptive mom to a Korean adoptee [KAD] at IAT, with permission

It behooves us as APs (adoptive parents) to listen to others who have gone before us, so as not to make the same mistakes, if possible. Of course, we will make our own, but we could bypass some others.

This is, of course, not limited to parenting only adoptees, but simply parenting.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-01-09 21:32:59.

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Respite care

Karin — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:42:05 +0000

I think respite care begins with ourselves. We have to know (or seek to know) what we need, then take some steps, even baby steps, to find space in our lives for respite. We need to ask and let others know, if we need it.

Respite care is talked about in the adoption community, for some children have needs (or problems) greater than one or two parents could fulfill or even handle. It can be very tricky finding any kind of care, and it sometimes involves residential care for the child/teen.

Respite care is likely also talked about in other communities of folks dealing with specific health issues or other.

Of course, there are other kinds of caregiving and caregivers, but the bulk of caregiving still falls on a woman's shoulders, whether she is caring for her or her spouse's parents, for a child, a house, or for her husband.

The need to call 911 can be life defining whether it involves something as 'simple' as lift support or as complex as emergency care or transport.

A friend writes:

I guess we don't really understand how much we need people until there's a crisis. Without the health issues [that some face with their husbands], I'm having the same feelings about my husband. I don't think I've ever been so solicitous or considerate of him as I've been these last two months since he took this new job.

Meanwhile, I think that we get caught up in the non-reality of a situation and don't really grok what exactly is going on. That was true on the street in NYC when I almost lost our son while my husband went to get the wheelchair. We didn't seem to have much of a clue. I think that could be said for another friend and her son, that the surreal-ness of the experience at the end there had so overwhelmed them, created a disbelief and an inability to actually SEE what was going on. I think calling 911, for the average person, is an act of huge significance. We are taught to be so polite and to ask for little, not to take up too much space.

I'm currently reading Inner Peace for Busy Women by Joan Borysenko. I'm a little put off by the cutsy green ink, but I like what she writes about, and it is another book that I will own.

I was surprised to find a chapter on caregiving. Again, I borrowed this book from the library, as I'm reading several of her books having just 'found' her as an author.

She writes:

On a trip to India in the 1980s, I spent a few weeks in a small village, where a schizophrenic woman, talking to herself continually with great agitation, lived under a large banyan tree. Different villagers visited her every few hours, brought food, and cared for all her needs. But most of us no longer live in extended families of close-knit communities where such care is common. We live neither in the welcoming shelter of a banyan tree, nor in the warm embrace of one another. Those who do reap significant benefits as far as health and peace of mind are concerned. p 141

I think especially this phrase stood out to me: warm embrace of one another. I suspect many of our homeless have been left to fend for themselves now that they have been de-institutionalized, but there wasn't another embrace for them, nor a way to be sure they were sound enough to care for themselves wisely.

Contrast the scene in the Indian village with a trip my then 11 year old daughter and I took to Paris about 10 years ago. We were surprised to find in the heat of summer, in a new hotel, there was no air conditioning. Our first room was in the back among sheltering trees and whether it was hot or not, the trees made the heat bearable. Through the night there was a woman who yelled continually, but there was no traffic noise. It was impossible to sleep. At some point, a man yelled out the French equivalent of SHUT UP! The next day we moved to the front of the hotel, no trees, with tremendous road noise right up until about 3 am when it quieted down until about 5 am, and not a breath of air, but the sounds of the traffic muffled any noises she was making. I saw her on the street at one point later in the day. I think I prayed for her just about the whole night.

We could learn a lot from societies such as India. How many of us would long for a banyan tree, for the warm embrace of another to help us get through?

Take the time to figure out, if you can, what would nurture you, if you are care giving. Often it comes in unexpected ways, if we are open to it.

Karin

The Lord is my care-giver
written for all those in need of care and for all those who are giving it
Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.
Psalm 23 and Luke 10:25-37

The Lord is my caregiver; I will not fear.
How precious is this thought: that He cares for me!

I love the parable of the Good Samaritan --
its gentle message stands forever,
as the epitome of God's own care:
the wounded left for dead by thieves in certain dread
the passersby who left him for their own chagrin
the neighbor true who bound the wounds, though not a Jew
the hotelier who offered place in which to find embrace
the simple ease with which the wounded had release
the money found to deal with every round
the needs all met by tender ministration in this vignette.

The mercy of the Lord is shown in ever-sweet accord:
whether I am care-giver or care-receiver,
I will not fear that I am alone, or that I will be uncared for.
The presence of the Lord ensures my care.
He enables care to be given that is not a burden.
He brings the care I need so I have intercede.
Both care-giver and care-receiver are in His plan.

O Lord, I give this care to You, for I know
that You are both my care-taker and my care-giver.
With You, I know that my burden is easy, for You are there.
Help me to appreciate my neighbor: each one to know as he is known.
Help me to see myself as You are seeing: forever in the care that You have shown.

Surely care-giving and care-receiving have followed me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in His mercy, well-cared for everyday, forever. (c)

Originally posted 2007-07-02 13:51:20.

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Do you accept your children/other people for who they are?

Karin — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:14:59 +0000

One of the best things I've read on acceptance comes from an online friend of mine:

I would no sooner want my daughter straight than I would want my son white. It is the world I want to change, not my kids. Julia at IAT, with permission

I suppose, failing to change the world in one fell swoop, is to change ourselves.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-04-26 06:23:14.

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The nuclear family exploded

Karin — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 07:53:39 +0000

This is a long article about adoption...how one comes to it...if one can love an adopted child the same or not...

It is disturbing and interesting, sad and hopeful.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-08-19 16:20:18.

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Thinking about friendships

Karin — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 05:48:57 +0000

What is said in the chair, stays in the chair. My hair stylist.

To have a friend, you have to be one. Karin

Yesterday I found myself thinking about what constitutes friendship. Why are we just naturally drawn to some and not to others? Is it because we are alike and have similar interests or are thrown together because of life's events, regardless of similarities or not, or because we are different, so have something to add to each other, or ... or all of the above? And what is friendship, anyway?

A couple of friends have recently come back into my life, which is evidence of life's serendipities. Live long enough and who knows what good things are in store! One calls me frequently; the other sends me forwards by email. (Email is such a blessing!) One has come into (and out of) my life several times. The other I had not heard from since high school.

I think perhaps the hardest time to make or keep friendships is when we are in high school. It is a kind of closed microcosm. Parents need to be aware of the milieu their kids are in. Even college is an easier time, at least if you are in a big school like I was. But once we are adults, we can pick and choose our friends from different areas and walks of life. We aren't limited by lack of transportation. And now cell phones and email and email lists make keeping up so much easier. I have made some good friends online, some of whom I've met in RL.

Later, when I got my hair cut, I asked my hair stylist about her thoughts on friendship. At one point she said, laughing, "What is said in the chair, stays in the chair." Missing a beat, she said, "It's a take-off on Las Vegas." I said, laughing with her, "I know, I caught the reference." It was so funny to me. I would never have thought about it for a hair stylist, but I have heard more than once that stylists are confidants to their clients. So it should be true of all hair stylists -- and friendships.

I think it goes almost without saying that a friend should keep confidences and be trustworthy.

She went on to say:

A friend should be non-judgmental. At one point I was having trouble with my son, and a woman I considered a good friend was very judgmental. I had kept quiet about a lot of things because I would not have wanted to hurt her.

Yes, at least friends should be able to share, even if they don't think alike on all things.

I read once, and it made an impression on me:

Women make the mistake of thinking friendly is friendship. A man never does. Author unknown

I thought at the time that it was thought provoking. I consider myself a friendly person. But I'm cautious when it comes to letting a new person in as a close friend. I suppose I have a self-protective streak. It's the old adage: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

Another friend said:

Friendship can be anywhere on a scale from just short of an enemy to a best friend.

Most people are acquaintances, not friends. I call them friends, but I do know the difference in levels of friendship.

There should be some measure of love in a reciprocal form. It's not as good, if it is more one-sided.

It takes some time and work to open or maintain a friendship.

There should be some regularity in contact, even if years intervene between times. That seems like an oxymoron, doesn't it. Yet I have some friends who live a long distance from me, and whether our contact is once a year, or more or less frequently, the love is there bridging over the gaps even if specifics of life are not known on a day to day basis. And we visit as we can.

Friends should wish each other well and want the best in life for each other.

I never really gave too much thought to how to start a friendship. They just seem(ed) to happen. But I saw an adult make a friend once. She had moved to a new area and called another woman repeatedly until a friendship developed. Over time, she broke down any resistance. I saw the same thing happen with a new 6th grade girl who wanted to break into what she considered the top crowd, when my oldest daughter was in 6th grade. Persistence won the day. It was almost funny to watch. At that age I wouldn't have had a clue. I likely don't have a clue today, because I probably would move on to another person or group.

What do you think about friendship?
What's important to you in friendship? What makes a good friend a good friend or a best friend a best friend?

And when do you know a friendship is over? That's a topic for another post.

I suppose in one sense, my closest friend is God. There aren't any secrets.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-02-20 12:14:15.

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The Last Mimzy

Karin — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 14:46:31 +0000

College girl, her friend, and the two littles and I went to see TLM, based on a book The Last Mimzy: And Other Stories Originally published as The Best of Henry Kuttnerby the same name, tonight. None of us had read the book. We felt it might have filled in some clues. I suspect you could get it from the library. It was clever to jump off the story of Alice in Wonderland looking through the looking glass.

I had been afraid with the previews that it might have been scary, but the review in the paper today set my mind at ease and off we went.

The theatre was full at the 7 pm show, so we ended up sitting in two groups. You could have heard a pin drop during the whole movie. There were many children who all seemed interested.

CG and I sat together, and there was a place we both jumped. She actually sat on the floor next to me, as I was sitting in a seat where a wheelchair could have been beside me. I don't know if the littles jumped in the same place.

The young girl and boy are well cast and likeable to watch. The science teacher would have been fun to have had as a teacher, tho the kids in the movie were spacing out, as we likely did too. His fiance is played by the woman who is the assistance to Cameron Diaz in The Holiday.

I found the love that the father shares with his children and his wife one of the best surprises of the film. It is affectionate and affirming. There aren't many films like that. I thought of you, Gordo, and the other dads I know from Chinese adoption.

CG said she wouldn't run right out and buy this one, but I think that is because it features younger children.

We talked about various aspects on the way home. There was a point in the movie when I would not have left my kids alone in their bedrooms (and CG agreed.)

The audience was quiet when they left.

I was trying to think of how young a child would find this interesting and not scary. Judging from the theatre, they all did. I didn't see any pre-schoolers, more elementary school age.

Postscript the morning after: our youngest, 9 yrs old, said out of the blue that it was the best movie she'd seen since Harry Potter...then 11 yo said, what about Eragon?...oh yes, she said, she liked Eragon too...

And in case you need to know, there is one scene with palm reading, sort of funny/scary, and a couple of scenes that include Tibetan mandalas. Also, the science teacher and his fiance live together.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-03-23 21:52:46.

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Clouds

Karin — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 02:09:23 +0000

I happen to like clouds, how about you?

As a child, I would lay in the grass face up looking at clouds and find pictures in them. Today, I'm more apt to just appreciate them as I drive along.

I like a cloudy day as it cuts the heat by 10 degrees, and it's rare to have a day that is entirely cloudy. In Michigan, it would be cloudy for days, so we welcomed the sun. Now that I don't sit out in the sun, the clouds are just fine by me.

I had a friend call about a week ago and ask me if it being overcast bothered me. Nope, I like it. (It was bothering her.) (We've needed rain, and it is such a blessing to have it.)

I know I've said before that I like storms. I don't even mind hurricanes so much except for the aftermath with no electricity. (Obviously I take that back for the huge storms that cause loss of life or homes.) (And I don't like wind-swept fire, as a result of lightening strikes on dry flora.)

One of my children was very afraid of storms, the thunder especially. I doubt she'd ever been outside her orphanage until I adopted her. I don't know what kind of storms they had there, if many, but her sense of hearing was acute, so she noticed all the sounds that we know to filter out, because she had never heard them before. Once in a while, even today, she'll say, what is that sound, or look startled, and I'll say, that's the refrigerator, for example.

We would sit on either our front porch or our back porch, where I would rock her and we would watch the rain. I'd make a game of it so she knew I liked the storm and that it would not hurt us.

Today, there was a line of black clouds lying low. At mid point there were some fluffs of white. Peaking at 12 o'clock was a tiny sliver of blue. It's never rained, so far, but it sprinkled.

One time I saw a striking line of clouds, like a V pointed to the earth, but not a tornado.

If you've ever been around tornadoes (thanks to Michigan I have) you know there is a peculiar color to the clouds when one is near. One time I was struck by it here, and I said, there's a tornado close by. Sure enough, there was. But I'm glad we don't have as many as we had in Michigan. There we had a basement; here, we do not.

And one time I saw a fist above the road. It kind of went along with the news that day, which was interesting. I wasn't looking for it, but you couldn't miss it.

I can't say I appreciate the darker clouds of life, when used in a metaphorical sense, but I do appreciate them in the sky.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-06-30 12:27:30.

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