Savvy Thinker » Just thinking

Not-so-invisible older women

Karin — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 20:00:18 +0000

I was surprised to learn that in the last 10 years, the Oscar for Best Actress hasn't been awarded to any woman over 39. For the past 9 years, it was even lower, around age 35. If Judi Dench, Helen Mirren or Meryl Streep wins, she will be the most mature recipient since 1990 when Jessica Tandy, at age 80, won for Driving Miss Daisy.

A weird thing happens to male actors, especially movie stars, in my experience. Which is, they become grumpy old men. I think a young male actor feels great. All the girls want him. He's a star. As they get older, that sense of not being in control of their own destiny sort of grates on them, and they get grumpy. And they move into direction to try and feel they're in control of their own destiny...I don't feel psychologically challenged, because I'm in a collaboative situation on a set with a director...

One of the great advantages of getting older is that you can walk into a world which is more truthful and less to do with other people's fantasies. Helen Mirren

Well, who's it gonna be? Likely the decision is already made; we just don't know who it is yet.

I often think life is hardly fair. Tremendous performances can be turned in by several, but because of the thoughts-of-the-year it's a shoo in for one who might not in other years be the choice. But that's life! On to the next project! Talent wins out, Oscar or no Oscar.

When asked if they still had to audition for roles, Dame Judi said:

I think sometimes we might be without knowing it. If you're having a kind of friendly [there's that word again!] meal with somebody and you suddenly see those very beady, gimlet eyes looking at you, you might be auditioning then.

I like to see power going to older women. It makes me feel more secure.

No, seriously, I was just seeing if you were reading. I don't feel more secure, but it may move us away from the 60's kind of veneration of youth.

A well-known George Bernard Shaw quote is:

Youth is wasted on the young.

I hardly think so. But I'd like to see age like Dylan Thomas did:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Let's go on and out with a few sparks and some Oscars.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-02-24 07:23:49.

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Making our lives a prayer

Karin — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 06:14:58 +0000

Norris Burkes had another thought provoking column this week.

Andi Bowsher, author of Praying the Pattern ...says , "Paul [when he said to pray without ceasing] was suggesting making life into prayer rather than making prayer into a life."...I can spend all week praying for fresh inspiration and still get nothing but a frustrated editor muttering some pretty unspiritual words about my column being past deadline. But when I seek to make my life a prayer, when I seek to serve and to become the answer to the prayers prayed by others, I get real inspiration...I pray to become the prayer... Norris Burkes (to see the full article go to his website.

I keep coming back to the idea that our lives are really the answer to someone else's prayer when we live our life as a prayer or are conscious of it. I think I've been aware of that on occasion, but not as a guiding principle. (Elsewhere in the article Burkes talks of 'living the principle that Bowsher describes.')

Can you think of a time when you were the answer to someone's prayer? Perhaps you didn't recognize it at the time.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-10-24 07:35:12.

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What about that HERO OF HARLEM!

Karin — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 05:33:15 +0000

Kudos to Wesley Autrey who saved the life of a 19 year old who fell onto the train tracks Tuesday.

He said something needed to be done and he thought:

I'm the only one to do it. ... I am not a hero.Â Wesley Autrey

Karin

Originally posted 2007-01-05 10:59:32.

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Who or what is (on) your support team?

Karin — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:28:48 +0000

I've been thinking about Owen Wilson lately with sadness, as I imagine many of us have been.

I think at one time or another in our life most of us have secret sorrows, where our public persona is different than/from our private persona. And our thoughts may be far different than most people observing us from outside would expect.

It's so important to have a support team!

Sometimes it is not the folks we thought might help us who are the ones who actually do. That's an interesting observation too.

Is there someone you can confide in? someone who is in your corner? who will keep your confidences? someone (maybe a different someone) for whom you are their support team or on it? is there someone you can encourage to have a support team (and maybe you are that someone -- maybe you need to remind yourself that you are the one who is in need of a support team and that you should not delay?)

It's hard to let down the mask sometimes, to let someone in, or find an activity that supports you, whether it is church or temple, Weight Watchers, Curves, the Internet, the gym, an exercise buddy, a book club, art lessons, a knitting shop, or etc.

What is it that stands in the way of reaching out? depression? feeling (wrongly) unworthy or unloved? feeling, at least for the moment, that it is hopeless, that there is no help, or that no one would or does understand?

Do you know what gives you comfort if you feel down? a cup of tea? convo with a friend? window shopping? having more quiet time? pacing your tasks at home better? getting help? realizing you can't do it all and figuring out a better way to do it? doing something to lessen anxiety, stress or tension? getting out in nature? making sure you or your life doesn't get out of balance with too much running around and not enough thought?

If you are a caregiver, it's important to let others share some of the tasks. Do you have a someone? or several someones? are you able to let them do it their way, to give them the space to help, even if it is different than the way you might do it? (who cares, if it shares the burden?) do you feel people would judge you if you didn't do it all?

Do you have someone who counsels you in some manner -- and do you listen? (Not all counselors are equal -- some we would do well not to listen to.) A pastor? a therapist? a peer? a coach? a spiritual adviser? someone who's BTDT and is farther along the road than you are?

Do you have a book -- or several books -- that you turn to consistently for solace and support? (Would you share here?)

Do you notice if things don't seem right around you? are you open to intuitively knowing if someone is hurting? how do you know when to speak up or just to support silently? at what point would you feel it is imperative to 'interfere' or even do an intervention? are you deepening your level of friendships (and your compassion) so that someone might confide in you if they were in need?

Do you have a support team? do you need one? (we all do)...are you ready if you suddenly had a need you weren't expecting? is it already in place? could you strengthen it in some way?

Do you have a support team? have you ever had to call in your cards and use it?

Karin

Originally posted 2007-09-02 12:53:37.

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Respite care

Karin — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:42:05 +0000

I think respite care begins with ourselves. We have to know (or seek to know) what we need, then take some steps, even baby steps, to find space in our lives for respite. We need to ask and let others know, if we need it.

Respite care is talked about in the adoption community, for some children have needs (or problems) greater than one or two parents could fulfill or even handle. It can be very tricky finding any kind of care, and it sometimes involves residential care for the child/teen.

Respite care is likely also talked about in other communities of folks dealing with specific health issues or other.

Of course, there are other kinds of caregiving and caregivers, but the bulk of caregiving still falls on a woman's shoulders, whether she is caring for her or her spouse's parents, for a child, a house, or for her husband.

The need to call 911 can be life defining whether it involves something as 'simple' as lift support or as complex as emergency care or transport.

A friend writes:

I guess we don't really understand how much we need people until there's a crisis. Without the health issues [that some face with their husbands], I'm having the same feelings about my husband. I don't think I've ever been so solicitous or considerate of him as I've been these last two months since he took this new job.

Meanwhile, I think that we get caught up in the non-reality of a situation and don't really grok what exactly is going on. That was true on the street in NYC when I almost lost our son while my husband went to get the wheelchair. We didn't seem to have much of a clue. I think that could be said for another friend and her son, that the surreal-ness of the experience at the end there had so overwhelmed them, created a disbelief and an inability to actually SEE what was going on. I think calling 911, for the average person, is an act of huge significance. We are taught to be so polite and to ask for little, not to take up too much space.

I'm currently reading Inner Peace for Busy Women by Joan Borysenko. I'm a little put off by the cutsy green ink, but I like what she writes about, and it is another book that I will own.

I was surprised to find a chapter on caregiving. Again, I borrowed this book from the library, as I'm reading several of her books having just 'found' her as an author.

She writes:

On a trip to India in the 1980s, I spent a few weeks in a small village, where a schizophrenic woman, talking to herself continually with great agitation, lived under a large banyan tree. Different villagers visited her every few hours, brought food, and cared for all her needs. But most of us no longer live in extended families of close-knit communities where such care is common. We live neither in the welcoming shelter of a banyan tree, nor in the warm embrace of one another. Those who do reap significant benefits as far as health and peace of mind are concerned. p 141

I think especially this phrase stood out to me: warm embrace of one another. I suspect many of our homeless have been left to fend for themselves now that they have been de-institutionalized, but there wasn't another embrace for them, nor a way to be sure they were sound enough to care for themselves wisely.

Contrast the scene in the Indian village with a trip my then 11 year old daughter and I took to Paris about 10 years ago. We were surprised to find in the heat of summer, in a new hotel, there was no air conditioning. Our first room was in the back among sheltering trees and whether it was hot or not, the trees made the heat bearable. Through the night there was a woman who yelled continually, but there was no traffic noise. It was impossible to sleep. At some point, a man yelled out the French equivalent of SHUT UP! The next day we moved to the front of the hotel, no trees, with tremendous road noise right up until about 3 am when it quieted down until about 5 am, and not a breath of air, but the sounds of the traffic muffled any noises she was making. I saw her on the street at one point later in the day. I think I prayed for her just about the whole night.

We could learn a lot from societies such as India. How many of us would long for a banyan tree, for the warm embrace of another to help us get through?

Take the time to figure out, if you can, what would nurture you, if you are care giving. Often it comes in unexpected ways, if we are open to it.

Karin

The Lord is my care-giver
written for all those in need of care and for all those who are giving it
Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you.
Psalm 23 and Luke 10:25-37

The Lord is my caregiver; I will not fear.
How precious is this thought: that He cares for me!

I love the parable of the Good Samaritan --
its gentle message stands forever,
as the epitome of God's own care:
the wounded left for dead by thieves in certain dread
the passersby who left him for their own chagrin
the neighbor true who bound the wounds, though not a Jew
the hotelier who offered place in which to find embrace
the simple ease with which the wounded had release
the money found to deal with every round
the needs all met by tender ministration in this vignette.

The mercy of the Lord is shown in ever-sweet accord:
whether I am care-giver or care-receiver,
I will not fear that I am alone, or that I will be uncared for.
The presence of the Lord ensures my care.
He enables care to be given that is not a burden.
He brings the care I need so I have intercede.
Both care-giver and care-receiver are in His plan.

O Lord, I give this care to You, for I know
that You are both my care-taker and my care-giver.
With You, I know that my burden is easy, for You are there.
Help me to appreciate my neighbor: each one to know as he is known.
Help me to see myself as You are seeing: forever in the care that You have shown.

Surely care-giving and care-receiving have followed me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in His mercy, well-cared for everyday, forever. (c)

Originally posted 2007-07-02 13:51:20.

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Living a passionate life

Karin — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 22:00:43 +0000

What is the purpose of this life? Do you keep living until you have had all the best experiences? When is life complete? How many years would you want to keep living? Or do you just enjoy living every day?

Life (and fragrance) is not a means to an end; it's the process that is to be savored. Colin, Le 3eme Homme at POL, with permission

I want to live a passionate life. To that end, I've been thinking the last few days of what it means and what it takes to live a passionate life. I came across the quote above and also the article below which put into words what I've been thinking better than I could.

There are many ways to define passion. Dictionary definitions include "ardor, powerful intense emotion, great enthusiasm for something, sexual love, a longing for something that promises enjoyment and satisfaction."

What makes a person passionate? We're not talking about sexual passion per se, but a physical and emotional energy that sustains us and keeps us going, even in the face of adversity. How can you become passionate about life, about what you do every day?

"We tend to define passion as coming from outside ourselves, but day-to-day passion comes from within and requires special skill," says Robert Maurer, Ph.D., a behavioral health provider who travels extensively giving seminars on personal happiness and success.

"It is based on an understanding of our wants and a firm belief in our entitlement to those wants. If we're going to stay passionate about our wants, we have to know what they are (often a surprisingly difficult task) and then hold true to them when obstacles arise."

Confidence, enthusiasm, energy and strong beliefs are often the hallmarks of passion. Do you believe in what you do? Do you have clearly defined goals and wants? Do you keep going even in the face of adversity? These are just some of the elements that define a passionate person. Dr. Maurer maintains that passion and enthusiasm do not come when you achieve success â€” they are necessary fuel to create and maintain success.

The first and most important step is to identify and become clear about your wants and goals. Dr. Maurer suggests these strategies:

Be optimistic. Optimism is an indicator of passion. Believing that there are always choices and taking responsibility are two elements of optimism that play a role in passion.

Identify how you can (or do) contribute to others. Passionate people often view their actions as a service or gift to others, and use it to learn personal lessons; this perspective helps maintain passion.

Take responsibility. Passionate people don't complain and blame others for problems but take full responsibility for making things better. They believe they can make a difference.

The keys to finding and sustaining passion are to have a clear sense of purpose and destination. Dr. Maurer cites several people, especially those who have used their passion to succeed and make a difference even in the face of adversity, as good examples of passionate people: Christopher Reeve and Toni Morrison, for example.

"It's how you operate in the world minute by minute that sets you free and creates passion," notes Dr. Maurer. "Passion is about creating happiness in every moment." From Canyon Ranch

What does it mean to live a passionate life?
What does it mean to you? Are you living a passionate life? Do you wish to?

Karin

Originally posted 2007-03-24 07:17:48.

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Finding happiness in the moments

Karin — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 09:16:53 +0000

A friend sent me a card with these words on it. I've seen it attributed to either Emerson or ee cummings.

The earth laughs in flowers.

Now the card is front and center to my computer screen where I see it daily.

I wish I knew why it seems like negatives grab consciousness quicker and stay longer than happiness, which seems so fleeting. I try to reverse the emphasis by being conscious (and keeping lists) of unexpected happy moments. They feel especially like serendipitous gifts, if I'm having a low moment.

This is a reminder to me that joy is found in places and moments that we might not recognize if we don't consciously let it register. It reminds me to be childlike -- to notice the interesting bug or the flowers in someone's garden or the wildflowers that are profuse along certain roadways. These are moments of happiness mitigating the adult issues that we all face in some form or other. Nature is a gift, freely given.

It just tickles my fancy to think of the earth, laughing, in flowers. A kind of celestial hiccup. And there's another one. And another one. Just like happiness.

I tell a friend that we need to string together moments of healing and happiness, as if the moments were pearls. No one focuses on the knots in a strand of pearls, just the pearls. So too, the knotty issues of life should fade into the background of our happier moments.

I made a bracelet with small sized alphabet beads and crystals using this quote so that it would be before my consciousness as I go about my day. There are even little crystal flowers on it and a butterfly.

I can always use more conscious happiness. How about you!

Karin

Originally posted 2009-06-01 12:10:17.

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Entwined fate(s) and forgiveness

Karin — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 20:20:51 +0000

To say, my fate is not tied to your fate, is like saying, your end of the boat is sinking. Hugh Downs

Forgiveness is not an elective in the curriculum of life. It is a required course, and the exams are always tough to pass.
Charles Swindoll

These two quotes happened to be side by side in my miscellaneous quote file. I thought, I think they look like they could go together. So I've been thinking of them that way. I'm not sure how to tie them in so it would make sense if your thoughts weren't following the same path. It's easier for me to see it, than to write it.

Maybe it's just the syncretism I see in tying them together. If all parts are necessary for the whole, then it stands to some sort of reason that we need all parts, that we are not as separate as we think.

I think we all learn forgiveness, but I'm not sure all-forgiveness is possible in this life (or maybe even a goal.) We do what we can with what we have, and throw some grace in that makes things possible that are not ordinarily possible, and that's about all I can say about that. And somehow our fates are tied together, forgiveness or not. The required course is tough, but a passing grade is all that is required, not perfection. I think passing can be a sliding scale depending on what we are dealing with, do you? Mercy and grace cover a multitude of falling short of the goal, when we are still doing our best to see our way through.

And somehow, it makes me think, today, of the last HP book in the series. Maybe not the forgiveness part, but the entwined fates part. And how much friendship can make our path easier, even if it is hard.

And it made me laugh to think of only one end of a boat sinking. As if!

Karin

Originally posted 2007-07-20 16:55:20.

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The case of the missing envelope

Karin — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 17:43:34 +0000

How can an item disappear into thin air?

On the one hand, I've been putting away decorations and getting a feel for more spaces and different organization. All for the good!

And then I lost (or misplaced) an envelope. I have been searching now for a couple of days for it.

It was handed to me in the car, and I think I put it in the back of the car, because I felt it would get lost between the seats in front. Isn't that ironic!

I've searched the car, the house, the items I had with me, where the car was parked, and even the paper recycling. It was given to me after I put decorations away, so I know it's not in them, unless there are gremlins!

We'll see if it shows up where I will be tonight, which is also where I was on the evening that I was given it (and evidently lost it.)

It just goes to show you that I am not as organized as I think I am -- or that whenever I organize there is always something that is more difficult to find, because I've put it in a new place.

However, this event has nothing to do with organization. It's just around the same time frame.

Doesn't it just make you mad/annoy you/irritate you/____________ what that happens!

I'd love to hear stories of odd places you have found things, when they finally showed up.

On one hand, I'm not ready to give up, but on the other hand, I've just let it go, because finding it cannot be forced. Darn!

Karin
www.savvythinker.com

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Live large

Karin — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 18:52:03 +0000

"Look up, laugh loud, talk big, keep the color in your cheek and the fire in your eye, adorn your person, maintain your health, your beauty and your animal spirits."

William Hazlitt 1778-1830, Essayist

Another favorite quote...

It's a reminder to stay sweet, not to let life's challenges bring negative changes, to find the things that bring joy and live them.

Karin

Originally posted 2007-01-05 08:56:49.

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