Savvy Thinker » Grief http://savvythinker.com thinking about life, playing with makeup Wed, 23 May 2012 15:58:02 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Who or what is (on) your support team? http://savvythinker.com/who-or-what-is-on-your-support-team/ http://savvythinker.com/who-or-what-is-on-your-support-team/#comments Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:28:48 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/2007/09/02/who-or-what-is-on-your-support-team/
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    I've been thinking about Owen Wilson lately with sadness, as I imagine many of us have been.

    I think at one time or another in our life most of us have secret sorrows, where our public persona is different than/from our private persona. And our thoughts may be far different than most people observing us from outside would expect.

    It's so important to have a support team!

    Sometimes it is not the folks we thought might help us who are the ones who actually do. That's an interesting observation too.

    Is there someone you can confide in? someone who is in your corner? who will keep your confidences? someone (maybe a different someone) for whom you are their support team or on it? is there someone you can encourage to have a support team (and maybe you are that someone -- maybe you need to remind yourself that you are the one who is in need of a support team and that you should not delay?)

    It's hard to let down the mask sometimes, to let someone in, or find an activity that supports you, whether it is church or temple, Weight Watchers, Curves, the Internet, the gym, an exercise buddy, a book club, art lessons, a knitting shop, or etc.

    What is it that stands in the way of reaching out? depression? feeling (wrongly) unworthy or unloved? feeling, at least for the moment, that it is hopeless, that there is no help, or that no one would or does understand?

    Do you know what gives you comfort if you feel down? a cup of tea? convo with a friend? window shopping? having more quiet time? pacing your tasks at home better? getting help? realizing you can't do it all and figuring out a better way to do it? doing something to lessen anxiety, stress or tension? getting out in nature? making sure you or your life doesn't get out of balance with too much running around and not enough thought?

    If you are a caregiver, it's important to let others share some of the tasks. Do you have a someone? or several someones? are you able to let them do it their way, to give them the space to help, even if it is different than the way you might do it? (who cares, if it shares the burden?) do you feel people would judge you if you didn't do it all?

    Do you have someone who counsels you in some manner -- and do you listen? (Not all counselors are equal -- some we would do well not to listen to.) A pastor? a therapist? a peer? a coach? a spiritual adviser? someone who's BTDT and is farther along the road than you are?

    Do you have a book -- or several books -- that you turn to consistently for solace and support? (Would you share here?)

    Do you notice if things don't seem right around you? are you open to intuitively knowing if someone is hurting? how do you know when to speak up or just to support silently? at what point would you feel it is imperative to 'interfere' or even do an intervention? are you deepening your level of friendships (and your compassion) so that someone might confide in you if they were in need?

    Do you have a support team? do you need one? (we all do)...are you ready if you suddenly had a need you weren't expecting? is it already in place? could you strengthen it in some way?

    Do you have a support team? have you ever had to call in your cards and use it?

    Karin

    Originally posted 2007-09-02 12:53:37.

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    ]]>     http://savvythinker.com/who-or-what-is-on-your-support-team/feed/ 0     Getting through the day if you are dealing with hard times http://savvythinker.com/getting-through-the-day-if-you-are-dealing-with-hard-times/ http://savvythinker.com/getting-through-the-day-if-you-are-dealing-with-hard-times/#comments Sat, 10 Dec 2011 21:56:08 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/?p=7540
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    Someone once said that grief is self-centered.

    Having been there, done that, I have to disagree. For me, if it was self-centered, it wasn't self-imposed. I don't ever want to grieve again as deeply as I did ever ever, if I have a choice.

    How do you get through? in my own words in no particular order (and you may have other ways):
    - don't listen to ones who say really strange things to you in the name of trying to help
    - be good to yourself every day
    - hang onto the lifeline of spirituality and God
    - make choices for happiness -- choose small things that make you happy
    - look for any good that you can find
    - recognize the smallest happiness/good and multiply it, if you can
    - do this day by day, without fail, and somehow you get down the road a piece...
    - don't fault yourself for grieving (you have two problems if you lay guilt on yourself)
    - honor your feelings, they are valuable, even to God
    - don't listen to others who tell you that their way is better/you are at fault
    - use your life experiences to help others, if possible
    - do something to take your mind off yourself -- visit with a friend, read a book, get out into nature, volunteer your services...

    How are you getting through or how did you make your way through?
    or how have you seen others make it through?
    To some extent, each has to find and do what it takes to get through. Know you are not alone. And somehow, we do get through, as hard or as impossible as it seems.

    Here's a book that sounds interesting:

    In the book The Hidden Gifts of Helping: How the Power of Giving, Compassion, and Hope Can Get Us Through Hard Times Stephen G. Post tells how he got through a relocation crisis and how others can get through hardships or disappointments.

    Be bold if life throws you a curve ball or you are forced to make changes in your life.

    Throw yourself wholeheartedly into the journey...with a full heart...ready to give of yourself with compassion and forgiveness, never seeking the hidden gifts but finding them just the same. Stephen G. Post

    Buy: The Hidden Gifts of Helping: How the Power of Giving, Compassion, and Hope Can Get Us Through Hard Times

    Buy: (Kindle Edition) The Hidden Gifts of Helping: How the Power of Giving, Compassion, and Hope Can Get Us Through Hard Times

    Karin
    www.savvythinker.com



    Originally posted 2011-02-08 07:14:18.

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    ]]>     http://savvythinker.com/getting-through-the-day-if-you-are-dealing-with-hard-times/feed/ 0     Finding a way out of disappointment, discouragement, despair http://savvythinker.com/finding-a-way-out-of-disappointment-discouragement-despair/ http://savvythinker.com/finding-a-way-out-of-disappointment-discouragement-despair/#comments Sun, 17 Jul 2011 18:39:57 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/?p=7191
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    Life can be tough at times, that's for sure.

    The adage: Into every life a little rain must fall holds little comfort, and I'd prefer real rain, thank you very much. Or the adage: When life gets tough, the tough get going, may be a whole lot easier said than done, when it comes to battling it out in your own life.

    This quote came across my computer, and it started me thinking:

    In every life there is some disappointment, but discouragement is a choice. In every life there is some disappointment. To become discouraged means it’s the way we think about disappointment that keeps us discouraged or encouraged. Mary Morrissey

    Anybody who's ever fought a battle with discouragement, knows how difficult it can be. But it's the only way up and out of that black hole.

    As I thought about this quote, it seemed to me that discouragement settles in when disappointments stick around for the long haul. Momentary disappointments are small blips on consciousness, but if they pile up, or if we see that there will be no changes, discouragement slides in the door and takes up residence.

    And if discouragement settles in for very long, its companion despair shows up to sit alongside and whisper into consciousness. Also, serious grief skips the disappointment stage altogether and moves right into discouragement and despair.

    I find it easier to catch at the disappointment stage than I do at the discouragement or despair stages.

    Sometimes if I feel I could have done better than I did, I find myself disappointed in myself. That gives me two things to handle! And if I don't catch myself, I spiral downward.

    Here are some things that work at times for me:

    *It sometimes helps to have someone you can truly share with.
    *I try to be good to myself, to be as accepting of my own humanness as I am of others'.
    *I try to build up some strength in the easy moments.
    *I try not to think about things, when I am overtired or need to eat or if life is crazy-busy (which I try to keep to a minimum.) (I'm laughing a bit at that right now, since I have to check my hall calendar to see what each day requires of me for the family.)
    *I choose an activity that makes me happy: see a movie, read a book, do something with a friend or loved one, have some tea, take a walk, admire things that are beautiful, have a quiet time to myself...
    *I try to make changes or ask for changes, if at all possible, not that they always happen. In fact, if I'm honest, they rarely do. The only change I can affect is within myself -- and that's not too easy all the time either.
    *I try not to keep a tally of disappointments, but rather of the good things that occur.
    *I look for hope and express some gratitude.
    *I pray for the ability to accept the things that just are and for a way out of the hole, if I am in it.

    This prayer is a good reminder to me:

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
    Reinhold Niebuhr

    Knowing the difference can be a huge key.

    What works for you?
    If it's not raining in your life right now, you can be happy about that!

    Karin
    www.savvythinker.com

    Originally posted 2010-09-21 14:12:26.

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    ]]>     http://savvythinker.com/finding-a-way-out-of-disappointment-discouragement-despair/feed/ 0     Review: eat pray love by Elizabeth Gilbert http://savvythinker.com/review-eat-pray-love-by-elizabeth-gilbert/ http://savvythinker.com/review-eat-pray-love-by-elizabeth-gilbert/#comments Sun, 05 Jun 2011 13:50:14 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/2009/02/10/eat-pray-love-by-elizabeth-gilbert/
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    A friend loaned me her copy of the book eat, pray, love, because she liked it so well and felt I would too. I knew by the first few pages that I wanted a copy of my own.

    It took me quite a while to work my way through the book, but in that way I could savor it. It's a rare book that is so enjoyable.

    Gilbert has a wonderful way with words.

    And the good news is that it is being made into a movie with Julia Roberts. That should be interesting! [edited: Here is my review of the movie -- it was interesting! I am currently re-reading the book after seeing the movie.]

    The book is her chronicle of searching across Italy (where she eats her way, while learning Italian), India (where she is in an Ashram searching for God, finding herself in silent devotion and in words and communion with others), and Bali (where she finds love and helps a woman buy a home.)

    Along the way we see her work through the angst of her difficult divorce. She moves from a sense of no belief to profundity. It is by turns funny, touching, endearing, sad...

    If you've read it, how did you like it?
    And if you haven't, treat yourself.

    I rate it 4 out of 4 stars.

    It is available for Kindle.

    Her second book is about marriage. I have not read it. This is the Kindle link:

    And, of course, now it is out as a movie with Julia Roberts.

    Karin
    previously published in August 2009

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    Originally posted 2010-08-18 08:00:36.

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    ]]>     http://savvythinker.com/review-eat-pray-love-by-elizabeth-gilbert/feed/ 0     Hey Good Looking by Fern Michaels http://savvythinker.com/hey-good-looking-by-fern-michaels/ http://savvythinker.com/hey-good-looking-by-fern-michaels/#comments Mon, 21 Mar 2011 22:34:56 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/?p=1083
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    I enjoyed this book by Fern Michaels. It is only the second one I've read by her.

    Central to the story are three sisters ranging in age upwards from 69. They were so funny to me, especially when they instigate a 'kidnapping' of sorts, which is really a rescue. I suppose what I like about them is that I want to be like them when I get to that point in life -- feisty, involved, loving, fun to be around, engaged in what is going on around them, taking care of their families. I wasn't enamored of the amount of drinking they did. And there is a brief mention of a child born and left to be raised in Japan.

    Alongside their stories (and two brief forays into romance for two of them) is the story of their grown niece, interwoven with the stories of the historical nature of where they live, as well as those who live in their neighborhood.

    Also central to the story is the subject of organ donation (which was done against the will of well-beloved character.) It ultimates in finding those who received the donations (by computer hacking) -- and ultimately redemption.

    It is a story of love, affirmation and good will, with a tidy ending, perhaps tidier than real life would be, but evidencing forgiveness.

    I think I enjoyed it as much for the older women and their relationship to each other as anything. In some ways they reminded me of a beloved grandmother. While there are difficult subjects tackled, they are tackled in a light way. Sort of like the substance of whipped cream. Not real satisfying, but an attempt to be deeper than the average romance novel.

    I give it a 2.5.
    Karin


    Originally posted 2008-08-13 14:53:12.

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    ]]>     http://savvythinker.com/hey-good-looking-by-fern-michaels/feed/ 1     Review: The Sari Shop Widow by Shobhan Bantwal http://savvythinker.com/review-the-sari-shop-widow-by-shobhan-bantwal/ http://savvythinker.com/review-the-sari-shop-widow-by-shobhan-bantwal/#comments Tue, 08 Feb 2011 11:52:43 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/?p=7557
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    The Sari Shop Widow is a sweet story. I bought it for my Kindle.

    The Story
    Anjali Kapadia, an Indian-American, was widowed at 27, and it is now ten years later. She is immersed in her work and has sublimated much of her grief. She runs her parents' boutique in New Jersey's Little India, as well as designs much of what is offered. She does not recognize, really, how good her designs are.

    Unknown to her, the store is not solvent, mainly because of the number of competitors in the immediate vicinity who copy her ideas for less money, but also because she has overbought. She is shocked to find this out, to realize she has not watched the bottom line better, leaving that to her father.

    Of course, we would all like to have a rich uncle who can rescue us, who regularly rescues the family. She finds her father has contacted him, and he will show up in less than a week.

    She gets a second shock when her curmudgeonly uncle -- that everyone is afraid of who turns out to have mellowed some -- shows up with a very handsome man with light skin who has an Indian name.

    Why is he there?
    Well, he will rescue her too, in more ways than one. He has ideas to bring new life to the store, as well as eliminate the competition. And there is some mysterious connection to her uncle who treats him like a son, though he is not his son.

    In the meantime, he himself will be rescued from a life that is more sterile than he had seen it.

    The culture
    Anjali finds herself caught between familial duty and the needs of her own life and heart. She thinks she is too old to have the child/ren she would have wanted with her first husband, but her own mother had a child in her late 30's, so it is not impossible. And her hopes for a world wide business with her husband expired with him.

    She has conducted an affair with a bar owner in a nearby town, but truly she isn't satisfied by it, as she feels ashamed of her conduct and the secrecy of it, because of what her parents' reactions would be.

    The scents and tastes of Little India factor into the story on nearly every page. Some of the foods make your mouth water. And the descriptions of jewelry and clothes is also mouth watering.

    My take
    I give this book 4* out of 5*. It has a strong story, sweetly told of familial love within the Indian and Indian-American culture. The unfolding love story, as well as her family's extra concerns for her welfare because of the loss of her first husband, are nicely developed.

    If you have any background in retail, you will enjoy the added dimension of the retail business.

    Have you read it? or any other of the author's books?
    I will seek out her other books too, as I enjoy reading of the Indian culture.

    Buy: The Sari Shop Widow

    Buy: The Sari Shop Widow (Kindle edition)

    Karin
    www.savvythinker.com



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    ]]>     http://savvythinker.com/review-the-sari-shop-widow-by-shobhan-bantwal/feed/ 0     In the wake of my son, Khabar magazine http://savvythinker.com/in-the-wake-of-my-son-khabar-magazine/ http://savvythinker.com/in-the-wake-of-my-son-khabar-magazine/#comments Thu, 02 Dec 2010 19:27:36 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/2007/03/23/in-the-wake-of-my-son-khabar-magazine/
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    I've mentioned before how much I like this magazine. An article that touched my heart came from the January issue, In the wake of my son, where the writer speaks of his son in the context of his sudden death at age 22. It offers some of his insights into his grief process. I think it is helpful for anyone who has grieved or is grieving.

    Every day brought a different clutter of emotions that came from a kaleidoscope of broken feelings. I traveled through a jungle of changing emotions -- bitterness, grief, anger, guilt, and a myriad of others ...Jayant Kamicheril

    And he tells some sweet stories that he remembers of his son who was quite astute as our kids often are. He said he struggled to explain the rationale behind his decision to divorce after a quarter century, and his son helped him with a quirky observation:

    Getting married is mostly an irrational decision, but getting divorced is always a rational one. Anand Kamicheril

    The article is worth reading.

    Karin

    Originally posted 2007-03-23 07:12:13.

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    ]]>     http://savvythinker.com/in-the-wake-of-my-son-khabar-magazine/feed/ 0     Engaging your whole heart in life http://savvythinker.com/engaging-your-whole-heart-in-life/ http://savvythinker.com/engaging-your-whole-heart-in-life/#comments Wed, 01 Dec 2010 06:49:41 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/2007/06/02/engaging-your-whole-heart-in-life/
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    Thinking about grief here and one who is grieving...grief can be so deep, we haven't any idea how to climb out. Passage of time isn't always an answer. But being there for someone, can shorten the journey that we all make. The need for comfort calls forth the best in us as we walk alongside one who is grieving.

    Believing that life is eternal still needs to be worked out in the nitty gritty of living. God values our hearts, both our joys and laughter and our sorrows and tears.

    There are as many ways of getting through grief each day, as there are individuals who have the need to. Whatever works for you, is your answer. Honor yourself and your feelings. Try to find something that makes you happy each day, even as simple as appreciating a flower.

    I haven't anything profound to say about grief, except that the love we express to each other goes a long way to healing the heart. Love helps in place of words, and words without love are platitudes.

    I would rather engage in life with my whole heart, even if that means there are times that are painful.

    Here are some favorite quotes of mine that helped me along the way. Some I took as a promise; others as a confirmation that where I was in my journey was OK.

    Please share any thoughts you have that would help someone who is grieving.

    Karin

    Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either. Golda Meir

    Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. -Eileen Mayhew

    Grieving is the last act of love we perform for our loved ones. Father Tobin

    When you believe you cannot stitch your own heart back together, go to work on the hearts of others. Andrew Solomon

    ... put ... my tears into your bottle: are they not in your book? Ps 56: 8

    ...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Ps 30:5

    God can heal a broken heart, but you have to give him all the pieces. Unknown author

    He will turn your mourning into dancing... Ps 30:11

    Originally posted 2007-06-02 20:24:39.

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    ]]>     http://savvythinker.com/engaging-your-whole-heart-in-life/feed/ 0     The Frog Prince by Jane Porter http://savvythinker.com/the-frog-prince-by-jane-porter/ http://savvythinker.com/the-frog-prince-by-jane-porter/#comments Fri, 22 Oct 2010 13:44:02 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/?p=1090
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    The Frog Prince is a modern day fairy tale. Because I liked Flirting with Forty so well, I had high expectations for this one.

    In a mere 371 pages Holly goes from being a devastated, whiny, soon-to-be divorcee to a sense of personal empowerment. Shortly after Holly marries, she finds her husband evidently never loved her, but felt railroaded into marriage. And he chooses the venue of desire (or lack of) to make his point in a harsh way. Holly is unable to accept what a complete jerk he is. She calls him when she is low and demeans herself more than once, until he basically tells her not to get in touch with him again.

    And she thought he was in love with her? I wondered if she was only a field for his homosexuality. She never considers that seriously. I would under the circumstances. Even though he ends up in another heterosexual relationship, I'm not convinced, and I think he would do something similar again with another woman. Not a good bet, for sure. OTOH, Holly was particularly needy. This would be an issue, except the new woman is even 'needier' and he is even more railroaded into marriage, though he is the one making the choice, evidently. Give me a break. He's adult enough to say what he means without a sham marriage.

    Meantime, Holly is challenged at work by her boss who ends up sabotaging her. But along the way Holly proves her meddle, makes modest friends, and determines that friendship might be better than having a lover.

    In the end, she finds herself and gives a new definition to good girl. She's good, but she's no pushover. When she comes out on top, you think, 'It's about time!"

    I'm not entirely sure that someone who is so far from being empowered could be empowered in a short period of time. Maybe. But in RL, it's probably harder to move out beyond old habits.

    It's hard for me to relate to her, because I can't imagine myself this whiny, though I have been devastated more than once in my life in other sorrows. Well, perhaps one person's whine or rant is another's deep sorrow. Maybe I was whiny too, but I doubt it. I was grieving, but so is she.

    I give it a 2.5. It's only fair to say there are a lot of positive comments about this book, but it seemed less adult to me than Flirting with Forty, not that I don't like a good romp with the best of them. This tries to be serious, to have serious subjects, but the connecting points aren't as well connected.

    It is also available for Kindle.

    Karin

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    Originally posted 2008-08-20 20:30:49.

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    ]]>     http://savvythinker.com/the-frog-prince-by-jane-porter/feed/ 2     House Bunny (movie) (no spoilers) http://savvythinker.com/house-bunny-movie-no-spoilers/ http://savvythinker.com/house-bunny-movie-no-spoilers/#comments Thu, 14 Jan 2010 14:46:54 +0000 Karin http://savvythinker.com/?p=1100
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    I saw this movie today, and it was surprisingly funny. I hadn't particularly wanted to go, but I was glad I did.

    The entire audience laughed a lot. There were only a few really dumb things, and one character I could have written out, but the main character is so delightful and watchable and innocently kind that she is a pleasure to watch. And she holds many lessons.

    There are a couple of questionable things for very young children and some bad language, but not a lot. My girls would love it, at 10 and 12. I think they can handle it.

    Shelley (Anna Farris is charming in the part and makes the movie) is living the life of her dreams at the Playboy Mansion. She feels the mansion has given her the home she never had before. (The movie begins with a short montage of her early childhood spent in an orphanage, until she finally found acceptance and a sense of family. This is not dwelt upon, but you might need to be aware of it.)

    Hugh Hefner plays himself in several cameos in the movie. It's good to see his health has improved. I hadn't realized he was in it.

    When Hugh goes off for a time, immediately after Shelley's 27th birthday party, she is presented with a letter from him giving her 2 hours to leave the premises as she is now 'too old.' 27 is now evidently 59 in Bunny years.

    How she finds herself the housemother of what likely began as Zeta (Zeta Tau Alpha) but morphed into a close cousin in name, is part of the poignancy and fun. The girls in the house need to pledge 30 girls in order not to lose their charter. How she turns them into a viable sorority is a delight.

    There is a typical sorority bitch that has shown up in several movies. (And there is a Bunny bitch too.) In a way this movie is like a female version of Sydney White, but we liked it better. (The theater rated it 3 out of 5.)

    It's easy to imagine Elle Woods living this life. (Colin Hanks plays her love interest.)

    She's definitely a likeable bimbo, and you can't help but root for her. Many scenes touched my heart.

    We went out happy.

    Karin

    Originally posted 2008-08-25 21:39:02.

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