To read the entire message, go here.

Karin

I am rarely at a loss for words. Some in my family would argue I talk too much, have strong opinions on too many subjects. I recently met someone friends have been trying to hook me up with for weeks. She has biological sons and is planning to adopt a daughter. (I am still looking for an adoption professional who knows a family who had bio daughters and adopted to get a son–but that’s a different post.)

She had heard about me, and I must admit I was excited to talk to her–another multiracial family in our community! (I should know better by now.) I asked all the standard questions and, with a sinking heart, received all the standard answers. They chose international adoption because they were told they couldn’t choose gender with a domestic adoption, and they don’t want ongoing contact with birthfamily (although she likes the idea of meeting their child’s birthfamily once). They chose Ethiopia because the children are young and healthy, there are girls available, and the wait for China is getting long (up to 2+ years). They also find “African culture fascinating” although neither parent has travelled to the continent. Her husband was adopted (domestic, same-race, closed) and has no contact nor desire for contact with his birthfamily, which led to her comment that he is one of the
most well-adjusted adopted people she knows. Her brother was adopted (international, transracial) and she described him as messed-up with no opinion about their plans to adopt. They do not plan to adopt a second child of color.

She left to tend to one of her children, and I felt something inside of me I was not expecting. I was about to cry. What is surprising about this situation is how it gets me every single time–because this could be the description of more than half the internationally adopting families I know. (Actually, this family has more direct adult-adoptee connections than most adopting families.)

Part of what pushes me to tears (not in front of her, thank god) is the total frustration I feel. How can I possibly reach this woman? How much White Privilege is at work in the world, in our society, in an individual White family’s life (with an adult sibling of color, no less) that a couple’s choice to adopt includes considerations of (a) gender, (b) health, (c) amount of time the adoptive family will have to wait, but NOT (d) what it will be like for their child to grow up as the only child of color in their family and one of the few people of color in the community, or (e) what it means to become an inclusive, educated,multiracial family.

As my husband pointed out, no one has to complete a class or fill out a race-awareness form before they become a multiracial family through birth, and I don’t believe they should. What is different about creating a multiracial family biologically is that an adult of color (and usually their extended family) is present in the child’s life–and the White parent first has an intimate relationship with this adult of color. In the case of transracial adoption, White parents do not have to know (or have ever known) anyone who shares their child’s heritage; and suddenly they are head of a multiracial family. If White parents are not fully invested in learning about their child’s heritage and incorporating their child’s culture into the family’s traditions and culture, this responsibility falls to the child. The fact that race does not seem to matter to many transracially adopting parents is the epitome of White
Privilege.

White adult can say things like, “Race doesn’t matter to me,” or “I don’t see race.” But I have yet to meet an adult of color in this country whose experience would allow them to say such a thing. It is scientifically true that all people are part of a single human race; however, the societal construct of different races affects us all.

I don’t know if a person can learn about their own unearned privilege until they are ready and open. I didn’t consciously process my multi-level privilege for many years. Nowadays I refuse to be closeted
by passing. Periodically my husband threatens to remove the bumper stickers from our car because he is frustrated by all the tailgaters. But he also laughs when he is out with the kids and one of their uncles, and people clearly assume they are a young gay couple with children.

Maybe I should offer this woman some of my stickers.

The stickers too small to read:

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds. ~Bob Marley~
What you think, you become. ~Buddha~
Love Thy Enemies implies not killing them.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people to peaceably
assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.
~The First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States~
Natasha Sky

If you liked this article, vote for it on del.icio.us and stumbleupon.


Categories:

Adoption, Guest writer

Related Articles

• Creating circumstances, creating opportunities

• Adoption Corruption 9) … make a difference in terms of the root causes of the “need” for adoption

• Losses in adoption

• Adoption Corruption 14) Work to Mature the Way Adoption is understood in Our Society

• The nuclear family exploded

Related Stores

• Ken Same-Size Friends Friends Family Barbie Contemporary 1973-Now Dolls Dolls Bears

• Friends Family Barbie Contemporary 1973-Now Dolls Dolls Bears

• Friends Family Barbie Vintage Pre-1973 Dolls Dolls Bears

• Kelly Same-Size Friends Friends Family Barbie Contemporary 1973-Now Dolls Dolls Bears

• Midge Same-Size Friends Friends Family Barbie Contemporary 1973-Now Dolls Dolls Bears