Mother’s Day can be a very difficult day for moms-to-be when they are waiting for an adoption.
It can also be difficult for adoptees who long to know their other mothers.
I know it was very hard for me, and I already had two children. But I was waiting and waiting for our first Chinese daughter after a lot of other doors had closed, and there was a part of me that wasn’t all too sure it was really going to happen. And then, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen to me. Even when I went, it seemed more like a dream than reality.
I’ve thought today so much of all of you who are waiting…APs, PAPs, adoptees…even first mothers.
Remember, if you are an AP or a PAP, you are already a few steps ahead to be actually waiting, and however slow it is, you are moving up the line.
Fortunately, my church has never asked mothers to stand. I think if they had, I would have had to miss the services during the years that were so difficult.
No matter what part of the triad you are, be good to yourself. Do only the things that you can do. Treat yourself gently and kindly.
When you have your child/ren or know your first mother or as a first mother you know your child/ren, you won’t forget how hard it is now, but you may decide to help others in some way who are going through the same thing.
If you are an AP or a PAP, tomorrow is another day, and you are one day closer.
And there are other mothers, our children’s first mothers, who may be grieving for other reasons. I don’t believe my children’s mothers are grieving more today than other days, because today is not a day celebrated in their country. OTOH, there are days when I might not think of them more than I usually do when it might be especially difficult for them, such as Children’s Day. May we be compassionate with each other’s griefs and joys.
Karin
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4 comments ↓
I must say that I have been tormented from well meaning aquaintances and from my own immediate family. Even today someone said to me that maybe next year I would be able to celebrate Mother’s Day! I wanted to scream! I have two loving, beautiful step-children (grown adults with kids) who call me “Mom #2″ and this person knows that. Yet, when it comes to a “Hallmark” holiday, I am less of a Mom with my two children by marriage for the past 22 years because I don’t have “my own”??
I will stop now as I am sure I will not be able to express my feelngs, those of my children and my DH. It is OK to adopt and be a real mother but “adoption” by marriage doesn’t count??? I raised these kids, they love me, we talk alot about our differences and love each other. Call it what you like - extended family? Whatever works.
Love is love.
Happy Mother’s Day to Mothers and parents of children.
Alyson
When you adopt, folks will say: what? you couldn’t have your own? (which has a many edged sting)
If I had known with our first how long it would take, I might never have started, which would have been a big mistake. I say: good thing I didn’t know!
The truth is, no child is ever our own, born to us or not, any more than we were our parent’s. We belong first to God, then to ourselves.
Sounds like a Kahlil Gibran quote:
>>Your children are not your children.
>>They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
>>They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you they belong not to you.
>>You may give them your love, but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
Hang in there! Remember so many of these holidays are really artificial. It’s not what we do one day of the year but what we do every day. Often we are hurt on the DAY…and it is only a Hallmark moment, not reality.
How beautifully you put it. Love Gibran. So true…..
May the love you give return to you tenfold!
Thanks, Elena! From your lips/fingers to God’s ears.
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